Lesson learned: It's possible to be happy now

I do not like raw carrots. I never really have. It hasn't been an issue ever since I got to be in charge of my own grocery shopping, but then I married Trevor and he likes carrots and so now carrots are an issue again. At first, my plan was to leave all of the carrot consuming to Trevor. But then one day I had the random idea to try dipping an icky carrot into yummy hummus. And an amazing thing happened... I love eating carrots now.

Well, love might be too strong of a word, but I strongly like the carrots and hummus combo. If you give me a bag of baby carrots and a thing of hummus, I will go to town on it. I now always make sure that carrots are on our grocery list and I'm bummed when the carrots are gone.

My point: There may be ways to enjoy the icky things in life.

- - -

As Trevor and I got married, moved to Arizona, and began medical school and a new job, we heard a lot of things along the lines of...

"If you can just make it through July and August, then you'll love Arizona."

"The first two years are rough, but then medical school gets a lot better."

"Just stick it out the first month at your new job, then you'll like it."

"There will be a lot of adjustments the first year of marriage, but then things will be good."

Basically, it felt like they were telling us, "Life will probably be a little poopy right now and there's not much you can do about that. Bummer."

I know that people were trying to be helpful and encouraging, but it kind of wasn't. It felt like I was getting sucked into the mentality that I couldn't really be happy right now in this stage and I've got to wait for the future to be completely loving life again.

And I don't think that I'm the only one to have fallen into the "I'll be happy when..." trap. You know. The trap where people say things like I'll be happy when I'm married. I'll be happy when I've graduated and start making money. I'll be happy when I'm thinner. I'll be happy when I have a baby. I'll be happy once my baby is older. I'll be happy once I get a new job. I'll be happy once I'm healthy again. I'll be happy when I overcome this weakness. I'll be happy when the carrots are gone.

Yes, sometimes we get dished up a whole lot of carrots at once, but I think it's possible to find some hummus for those carrots. The carrots won't magically disappear and we will still taste the carrots from time to time but it'll be a lot more bearable if we surround ourselves with good things, things we love, and things that make us better. This strategy is how I'm staying happy even though it's still ridiculously hot outside at the end of September, my husband has to study a lot, and I am the new girl at work.

Right now my life hummus consists of:

• Doing fun things I love, such as blogging, baking, listening to my favorite song over and over again, eating fruit snacks with reckless abandon, and watching episodes of Boy Meets World
• Praying for tender mercies and the ability to notice those tender mercies
• Striving to remember all of my blessings and all of the things that are going right, instead of focusing on the hard things
• Zooming out and looking at the big picture; remembering why this will all be worth it
• Going to the temple
• Doing something nice for my husband and noticing the nice things he does for me
• Texting someone each day to try to brighten their day
• Exercising
• Listening to general conference talks on the way to work
• Picking up chipotle on the way home from work to get their yummy chips and guacamole

Some of these ideas are silly, some are imperative. Some may work for you, some probably won't. But it's what I'm trying to do. I want to stay positive. I want to take to heart Sister Hinckley's wise advice: "Don't wish away your days waiting for better ones ahead." I want to be okay with my carrots. I want to be happy now.

What do you guys do when you have a lot of carrots on your plate? What's your hummus? (Post a comment below to share your ideas.)

Lesson learned: Stick with it

My brother gave us a waffle iron for a wedding gift. Waffle irons are great. They assist in creating wonderful waffly goodness for us to enjoy. But new waffle irons are also a tricky thing. I am usually overeager the first time and I pour too much batter and it oozes all over the sides and I end up making a waffle with a tu-tu. So then I make an adjustment the second time but end up pouring too little which results in the fun-size waffle chip. Then it's (hopefully) by the third time that I finally get my act together and pour the right amount of batter for the perfectly filled out, well-rounded waffle.

Sometimes in life, apart from waffle-making, I am tempted to give up after the first try. After the first week of classes in a new semester, after the first day at a new job, after the first month on the mission, after the first Sunday in a new ward. I feel like it's too hard, it's not like what I'm used to, I'm never going to get the hang of it, it's not what I expected, and I want to go back to where everything was familiar and where I knew all of the answers.

But just like with the waffles, I'm learning that if I stick with it, I generally figure things out and things get better. A lot of the time, for me, it's the fear of the unknown and the discomfort of new-ness that makes me want to quit. But if I can have faith and hang in there long enough to learn from my mistakes, make adjustments, include the Lord in the process, and try again, the skies the limit and I can do anything. I just need to give it a chance. Give it one more day, give it one more try, give it one more transfer, give it one more Sunday, give it one more go. And then it will get better or easier or more comfortable or I will know more.

Right now I have a lot of new in my life. I have a new job, a new husband, a new apartment in a new state, a new temperature outside, a new ward, and a new way of living. Most of the time I'm happy. Most of the time I love it and feel blessed beyond words. But sometimes it feels like a lot. Sometimes it feels like I used to be able to make wonderful waffles but now I have a new iron and I won't ever be able to figure out how to make that perfect waffle again. But then past experience tells me that I need to stick with it and give myself a chance to figure things out and give the Lord a chance to work things out for my good.

Because that's what we do. We sign up for hard things or we have hard things put on our plate, and then we stick with it. And eventually, with the Lord's help and some patience and maybe some mistakes, things get better and we figure out how much batter to pour in our new waffle iron.

Lesson learned: It might not be picture-perfect

My husband, Trevor, and I moved down to Arizona a month ago so he could attend medical school. I really despise moving, but with lots of help from friends and family, it ended up being not too bad. Except for the part when we had the "piano movers" move our piano into our second-floor apartment.

I put "piano movers" in quotation marks because when they showed up, we discovered that they weren't really piano movers. They were just two strong guys that were good at moving things. I was a little apprehensive about the situation, but they acted confident and they were there and we needed the piano moved, so we decided to let them do it.

Their first plan was to kind of strap the piano to their bodies and then just carry it up. That didn't work because there's a corner in the stairs. So then they decided to carry it up until the corner and then tilt it on its side to make the turn. That didn't work either. And then they decided to take the legs off of the piano, flip it upside down, and then carry it up. At this point I went into the bedroom, shut the door, and tried to think happy thoughts. A few minutes later, Trevor told me I could come out and I breathed a sigh of relief. There were a few scratches and dings on it and the whole experience hadn't gone how I had pictured it going, but we ultimately ended up with a piano in our apartment.

I'm guessing you've had a similar experience to this. The experience when you think you know how things are going to go, you feel like you have a plan, you think you know best... but then nothing goes according to plan. In the middle of it, it feels hard and confusing and frustrating and you might pray and ask God why things aren't working out for you. But then, with time and patience and faith, things work out. They always do. Every single time. It's not always simple or convenient or quick or picture-perfect but it ultimately works out exactly how it's supposed to.

Take my dating/marriage experience for example... It wasn't at all how I had planned. Trevor and I met online. That's not a cute story. We only dated for 9 weeks before getting engaged. That's awfully fast. I was traveling in Europe for 3 weeks of our engagement. You're not supposed to be thousands of miles away from your fiancé. We got married in the Bountiful temple. The Salt Lake temple was closed. And then we moved away from friends and family. I'm a homebody.

But the important thing for me to remember is that it all worked out. I found my eternal companion and we got married. That was the important part. That was the blessing. That was what we had both been praying for over the past year. And it happened exactly how it needed to happen. Heavenly Father knew I needed things to move along quickly so I could just make a decision, moved forward with faith, and get married, instead of having all the time in the world to second-guess myself.

So I guess my point is... don't get discouraged if you have to flip your metaphorical piano upside down to get it up your metaphorical staircase. Sometimes that's how life goes. Sometimes you go through 4 different majors, 6 years of school, and 2 jobs before you finally figure out what you want to do with your life. Sometimes you go through fertility treatments and adoption before you have a child. Sometimes you wait until you're 38 to get married. Sometimes things happen quickly. Sometimes things happen super slowly. But it's all okay because we know that God is in control and has a plan which means that eventually we will get up the staircase and the piano will end up in the apartment.

P.S. Credit for the inspiration of this post goes to my wonderful husband.

Lesson learned: It doesn't matter what they think

I have several students who are consistently telling me what other people said about them...

"Miss Brown, he said that I was dumb."

"Miss Brown, she said that my picture looks ugly."

"Miss Brown, he said that I stole his scissors but I didn't."

My response is usually not what they're expecting...

Me: "Do you think your picture is ugly?"

Them: "No."

Me: "I don't think it is either. I can tell that you worked hard on it. So, I know that, and you know that, so let's not worry about what so-and-so thinks."

And then I give them that million dollar, first grade teacher smile and send them on their way.

Yes, I want to teach my students to say kind things to each other, but I also want my students to learn that it doesn't really matter what others think about them.

The funny thing is that I don't think very many of us ever grow out of this. Even as adults, we tend to care a whole awful lot about what other people think about us. I am The Queen of this. I care way too much about what the person I accidentally cut off on the freeway thinks about me, what my coworkers think of me, what my friends and family think of me, what my mission president thought of me, what my principal thinks of me, what my dentist thinks of me, and what my students think of me (which is silly... they're six). Yes, we should strive to be the kind of person who people look up to and think well of, but ultimately we do not have any control over other people's thoughts. I'm slowly learning that the key to happiness is to focus on what you think about yourself and what God thinks about you.

Why do we get so bent out of shape when someone doesn't think well of us? I think, for us, it's mostly a matter of pride, which is understandable. Nobody likes to look dumb or incapable or viewed in a negative light. But why do we give so much concern to what they think? They're not in our heads. They don't know the whole back story. They don't know where you're coming from or where you're going. They don't know what your intentions actually may have been. They're not you and they're not God.

With my students, they care so much about what their classmates think but their peers only see a small part of who they are. As their teacher, I know them all so well. I know what they're working on, what their skills are (or aren't), what their tendencies are, where they started, and where they are now. I am a much better judge of whether or not their picture is pretty or if they're good at math because I can see a much bigger part of who they are.

So really, if you're trying your best and doing what you can, if you feel good about it and know that Heavenly Father is pleased, then that's great and that's all that really matters. Go to your happy place and don't worry about what others think.

Lesson learned: Look for the tender mercies

One of my students came to me the other day and asked me for a band-aid. I usually have a strict "no blood, no band-aid" policy and he was definitely not bleeding. In fact, I actually had to ask him to point to where it was because I couldn't see any sign of an owie. But I decided to make an exception to my policy this time and I gave him the band-aid. I just felt like he needed it. I could tell that he wanted some attention from me and I wanted to give it to him. It was little and easy and wasn't really going to fix anything for him, but I knew that it would make him feel better.

This experience with my student reminded me how Heavenly Father shows His love for me. I haven't ever heard the words, "I love you" from Him or physically felt His arms around me. But I have had specific, individual, personal, non-coincidental blessings come at just the right moment when I needed to feel better, needed a little boost, needed to feel loved, or needed a little courage. And that is how I know He loves me.

When I was on my mission in Poland, one morning I read Elder Bednar's talk about tender mercies and it just clicked; he put into words exactly how I felt and what I had been experiencing. My favorite part in his talk was when he said, "Let me suggest that one of the ways whereby the Savior comes to each of us is through His abundant and tender mercies. For instance, as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. Repentance and forgiveness of sins and peace of conscience are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. And the persistence and the fortitude that enable us to press forward with cheerfulness through physical limitations and spiritual difficulties are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord."

I loved this. I loved it because I could relate with all of the examples he gave of tender mercies, especially the "personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity" part. At that time on my mission, I was definitely lacking in the confidence department. I was in an area that reminded me a bit of Gotham City, I was trying (rather unsuccessfully) to speak a language full of words like szczęście and przepraszam, I was homesick, and every single day was miles out of my comfort zone. But the tender mercies were there. All along the way. I was so grateful that regardless of the size or validity of my struggle, the Lord gave me the perfectly personal "band-aids" I needed so that I could feel better, feel His love, and keep going.

So the takeaway message from all of this is to look for the tender mercies in your life. I promise they are there. The hard part is that they can easily go unnoticed, unappreciated, or labeled as a nice coincidence. If you can't see them, perhaps try asking Heavenly Father to point them out to you. I'm pretty darn sure that He would be more than willing to help you recognize and understand His love.

Lesson learned: The small things actually do matter

Yesterday was one of those days where I started out feeling like...

By lunch time, I was feeling more like...

And by 3:00, I felt like...

The bell couldn't ring soon enough for me. I wanted the day to end and the kids to leave. Nobody was listening, the classroom was a mess, I hadn't taught half the things I wanted to, and I felt like if one more kid did one more thing, I was going to completely lose it. Thankfully, the bell did ring and the kids did leave and it was quiet for the first time since the kids had arrived that morning. I sat down at my desk, put my head down in my arms, and just soaked in the silence.

As I sat there, I thought back over the day and tried to figure out what had gone wrong. At first, I was blaming it all on the kids—"She was just on one today." "I don't think he took his meds this morning." "She just couldn't stop talking!" "I don't know what his deal was." But then it hit me that pretty much from morning recess on, I hadn't really been using any of the good teacher skills I know I should use. I was giving way more negative feedback than positive feedback, I wasn't using wait time, I wasn't setting my expectations, I wasn't being consistent and following through with consequences, and I was giving too many warnings to some and then coming down too hard on others without much warning at all.

Why had I disregarded all of those simple techniques that I know can be so effective? Was it out of forgetfulness? laziness? stubbornness? I think it boiled down to the fact that I was tired and I just wanted my students to be good and listen on their own with no effort on my part because I'm their teacher and that's what students should do. (Yeah. That doesn't work with first graders.)

Do we do this when life gets hard? Do we blame others, blame the situation, and/or blame God before looking introspectively to see if we may actually be making things worse, or at least not making things any better? Are there some small things we are forgetting, or perhaps, purposefully choosing not to do out of laziness or pride?

Just as there are always going to be tricky students in my class, life is always going to have some difficult things in it. But, as I was reminded of yesterday, choosing not to do the small things can make a hard situation so much worse. Continuing to do the small things will make a big difference, especially when we don't want to and especially when things are hard. 

During a particularly rough day or time in life, instead of going the blaming route, maybe we can ask ourselves—Did I read my scriptures this morning? Did I take the time to pray and humbly ask for help while also remembering my blessings? Have I been to the temple recently? Have I thought about anyone else besides myself in the past 24 hours? Did I get enough sleep last night? Am I taking care of myself physically and emotionally? No? Hmmm.... Maybe this doesn't need to be as bad as it is?

Remember... "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6).

P.S. Today was much more along the lines of Mary Poppins, in case you were wondering. :)

Lesson learned: It's good that it isn't the same

I keep on feeling that in order for life to be fair it should be like a standardized test; we should all have the same test with the same level of difficulty. If my #5 problem is 6+5=?, then your #5 problem should be 6+5=?. If my test gets progressively harder, so should yours. If I've had three weeks to study for the test, you should have that same amount of time to prepare. And if I need at least a score of 80% to pass, then that should be the score you need in order to pass, too. This perspective was neat and tidy and made sense to me.

But then I look at what life is really like and I get all confused. I have a friend who has lost both of her parents and I have both of mine. That doesn't seem fair. I have a friend who is 32 and desperately wants to get married and I have a friend who got married at age 19 to the first guy she met at BYU. That doesn't seem fair. I have friends who experience same-sex attraction and choose to fight every single day to stay true to what they believe is right. That doesn't seem fair. Some women get pregnant "on accident" and others try for years and spend thousands of dollars and still are never able to have a baby. That doesn't seem fair. I have students who come to school in their pajamas, smelling heavily of cigarette smoke and students who come to school in the latest J. Crew Kids outfit and perfect pigtails. That doesn't seem fair.

Sometimes I get frustrated that life seems so much harder for some than for others. I feel like if we're all ultimately going through this "test of life" so we can live with God again, shouldn't we all have the same kind of test?

So I've been confused.

Until last week... when I wrote report cards.

As I was writing, I realized that a lot of what I do as a teacher is whatever I decide will help each individual student learn the material. I look at where they started when they first came to my class. I look at the parent support they have at home. I look at their learning styles and interests. I look at how hard they've been working in class. And then I decide what they need in order to succeed. Some kids need more support. Some kids need to go over the fundamentals again. Some kids need to be stretched because they're already getting all of the answers right. Some kids need to be taught the lesson in a different way. And some kids need to know they're doing great and right on track.

I feel like this same principal applies to the trials and struggles we go through in life; they are catered specifically to what we need so that we can learn and grow. It's a good thing that we don't all have the same problems and that God doesn't simply assign points to everybody using some kind of heavenly grading scale — "You successfully got through this trial. 10 points for you. She had the same trial but really struggled through it. 6 points for her. Great. Let's all move on to the next one" — He looks at the whole picture. He knows your weaknesses, the trials you've gone through, your family life, the blessings you've received, your strengths, your weaknesses, the supportive friends you do or don't have, your potential. And He knows what you need next in your life in order for you to be successful and ultimately pass this earthly test.

Lessons learned: The favorites

Well, friends, it has been exactly one whole year since I first started this blog. It has been such a blessing in my life and I am grateful I started it when I did. If there was ever a year when I needed to do something like this, it was this past year. My blog has helped me to see the good in others, look for the positive, see the hand of the Lord in my life, and find the wisdom that can be gained through everyday experiences.

Some blog posts were popular and got lots of views... like that one time I told everyone about how I really want to get married. (Vulnerability at its best.) Other posts weren't quite as popular but that was okay because they were more for me anyways. Some took me weeks to get just right. Others took only thirty minutes. Some posts were written to be funny. Some were written to make a point. Some were written to help me tell about my struggles without really telling about my struggles. (Sometimes being vulnerable is hard.) And others were written because I really just wanted to reach out to those who are struggling and need to read something encouraging.

So thank you for reading. Thanks for the kind comments. Thanks for passing my posts along to others. I hope it has been a good thing.

Here are some of the good ones. Be sure to take a look if there were some that you missed.

Your favorites:

1. Lesson learned: Silence doesn't mean absence

"The fact that God is at times quiet does not mean that He is gone or has stopped caring. Just as a teacher occasionally withholds answers to see what her students know, Heavenly Father may stay silent to test our faith and spiritual knowledge. I am coming to find that there is great wisdom in this..." 

2. Lesson learned: Trust His timing

"Just as the teacher knows exactly what time lunch will be, God knows when we will receive our most desired blessings. And just as first graders have no sense of time and would eat lunch at 9:00 if possible, we may have a difficult time understanding God's timing and wish we could have what we want, when we want it."

3. Lesson learned: People come and go for a reason

"People are placed in our lives for a reason. We may not see it at first and we may even want to ask the Teacher to "switch our desks," but if we pay attention, we may be fortunate enough to see how that person is blessing our lives."

My favorites: 

1. Lesson learned: Sometimes we just get to be brave

"Today took courage. I knew it would be that way. I knew that it would be not so hard for some and really hard for others. I saw the butterflies in their stomachs. But we just had to do it. We had to get through the first day. My first graders just got to be brave today."

2. Lesson learned: Hard isn't bad

"After working with him one-on-one for a little bit, it finally clicked and he was able to finish the worksheet. But he learned more that day than just how to add. He also learned how to persevere through hard things. He learned that if he asks for help, his teacher will be there to clarify and reteach. He learned patience. He learned humility. And he learned what his fellow classmates often feel like on a daily basis."

3. Lesson learned: Some days are just practice days

"It's okay if our worksheet isn't completely done or if we got a few of the answers wrong or if we didn't quite reach perfection today. We just need to do the best that we can right now, in the time we are allotted, with the resources we are given, and the knowledge we have. Did you do your best? Did you try your hardest? Okay then. Draw a smiley face on the top and put it in your cubby."

Lesson learned: Open up and share what you learn

A couple of days ago, one of my students walked into my classroom with one of those looks that told me it had been a rough morning and he was bringing his Mr. Grumpy Pants with him to school. I tried to be all positive and bubbly and first grade teacher on him, but it did nothing to change his mood. He just sat at his desk and wouldn't do his morning work. I told him encouragingly that he needed to get it done, at which point he threw his notebook on the ground. I picked it up with a smile and suggested he just work on the first one. And then he ripped out the page and told me I was annoying. At which point happy first grade teacher went away and we started having some consequences.

Three and a half hours, one tantrum, 10 minutes in think time, the silent treatment from both parties involved, one missed recess, and several exasperated sighs later... he finally got his morning work done. And then it was time for lunch. (In hindsight, yes, I probably should have handled this differently and not let it turn into a power struggle. So... I'm not a perfect teacher.)

But the point of the story is actually what happened the next day. Mr. Grumpy Pants came to school all smiles, thank goodness, but there was another kid who decided she didn't want to do her morning work that day. Just as I was thinking to myself, "Oh, no. Not again..." Mr. Grumpy Pants went up to Miss I Don't Want To Do Anything and told her, "Hey. Just do it. Then it won't take forever and you won't be sad and you'll get recess." And then something incredible happened... she sat down and did it. I was amazed. And, oh, so grateful that Mr. Grumpy Pants had stepped up and helped out.

More and more, I am realizing that God wants us to learn from our trials and mistakes not only so that we can become better and grow closer to Him, but also so that we can help others become better and grow closer to Him.

But, in order for this to work, we need to start telling people what we have been through and share the things that we've learned. Yes, that means we will have to be vulnerable and share some of our weaknesses, which tends to make us feel super uncomfortable. But if we all just keep pretending that we have life figured out and that we never make mistakes, then we are never going to be able to help others who, you know, don't have life figured out and make mistakes. Why not be open and possibly save someone from going through a hard lesson to be learned?

In the education world, did you know that students actually wouldn't do any better if they were taught one-on-one all of the time? Research has shown that students learn better when they are in a class. Why? Because there is a social aspect to learning. Students can teach and learn so much from each other. There's a reason that we have all been put into families and friendships and relationships and communities and groups and wards. We are supposed to help each other. And learn from each other. That's the whole point.