Lesson learned: Unknowns can be blessings

Last week I experienced another first. I went to book club. (I'm getting in touch with my older lady mature side.) The book we read was a pretty intense true story about a boy in Africa. At one point in the story, the boy is trying to run away from soldiers who are shooting at him and he comes to a river full of crocodiles and has to swim across to get away. I was so anxious to find out if he made it across the river that I couldn't help myself and I actually skipped ahead to the end of chapter to see what happened. I know that's a major no-no, but I just couldn't handle not knowing. Once I was confident that he survived, I was able to go back to the middle and calmly read the rest of the chapter.

Sometimes I wish I could do that in life. You know, skip ahead to the end of the life chapter I'm currently in and just double-check that it will work out, then go confidently back to the middle of the chapter. But Heavenly Father doesn't tend to tell us the end when we're still in the middle. Instead, He lets us experience life as it comes but then lovingly gives us small assurances and tender mercies along the way to help us be confident in moving forward and to get us through the discomfort of not knowing how it's all going to turn out.

I've wanted to see the end of the chapter so many times in my life. I hate being in limbo land, before the decision is made, when I don't know how it will work out. It happened when I was in college and I couldn't sign up for classes because I couldn't decide on a major because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life because I didn't know if I'd be working for 1 year, 10 years, or if I would need to support myself for the rest of my life. And it happened again when I was trying to decide if I wanted to serve a mission but I was hesitant to turn in my papers because I didn't know if I'd be able to be a good missionary, learn the language, and be okay living possibly super far away from home. And it really happened when I was feeling stuck in my "finding an eternal companion" chapter. (See that blog post here.)

In all of these situations, I just wanted to peek ahead and be reassured that it would work out, that I would be successful, that I was making the right choice, that things would be okay, and that there were good things in store for me. But, thankfully, Heavenly Father is in charge, not me, and He has shown me that there is a whole lot of goodness that can come from having some unknowns in life.

When there are unknowns, we are forced to be anxiously engaged in moving forward, we get to choose to be hopeful, we get to be diligent in staying close to our Heavenly Father through earnest prayer, we get to choose faith over doubt, we get to trust His timing, we get to learn through the struggle, we get to be brave and show courage, we get to turn to the scriptures, conference talks, and loved ones for answers and guidance, and we get to have experiences all throughout that life chapter that change us and mold us. These experiences and blessings wouldn't be ours if we knew all of the endings.

I recently have had to put this principal to test, yet again. A couple of months ago, Trevor and I started the exciting nine month pregnancy chapter. Sadly, this chapter ended up being a shorter chapter than we had expected. So we then turned the page to begin the miscarriage chapter and now we are on to the next chapter, which I'm not sure what to call yet. I have been tempted to be discouraged by this new chapter and I've felt that familiar unsettled feeling start to creep in as I so wish that I knew how this next chapter was going to turn out. But, instead of getting sucked into all of that, I am trying to draw from past experiences, remembering that it's okay to not have a set plan, paying attention to the feelings of calm and peace that are coming our way, and I am trying to look for the lessons that I will get to learn in this new chapter.

And I keep thinking of these words from one of my favorite hymns: "Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene— one step enough for me." I know it's easier said than done (and I'm mostly saying this for my own benefit) but we do not need to be afraid of the unknown. We can trust the Author of our chapters and just keep reading along, page by page. It will all work out.