Lesson learned: Err on the side of kindness

I promise that first grade is usually a happy place, but we definitely have our share of tears. Aside from the few who cry for some extra attention, most first graders don't like crying in front of others. They bury their head in their arms. They put their hands over their face. They look up, open their eyes really wide, and try not to blink so that the tears won't spill out. They wipe away the tears super fast hoping no one will notice. They ask to get a drink so they can be alone in the hallway. Whatever the method, the reason is the same: they don't want their peers to know that they're crying. Crying is embarrassing. Cool kids don't cry. Crying means you're weak or stupid or weird. So they try to cover it up.

But since six year olds are not usually known for their slyness, the class usually notices the tears, which leads to a fair share of misunderstanding and judging. I've heard students say, "Why is Susie crying? This is easy!" or "Timmy, you're not even really bleeding." or "I don't want to play with Sam. He always cries when he looses." While sometimes they're right, a lot of the time they don't know what's really behind the tears. They don't know that Susie has a learning disorder. They don't know that Timmy never gets attention at home and so he tries to get extra at school. They don't know that Sam's parents are getting a divorce and he's not sure how to cope with it.

As adults, many of us have been working on covering up our feelings since the first grade. Our methods may have changed a bit but we have become very, very good at putting on our "I'm happy and everything's fine and my life is pulled together" face and saving our tears for alone time. There is something to that since we don't like to come across as mopey Eeyores, but what that means is that we really don't know what someone else is going through. 

President Henry B. Eyring said, "When you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time." Just because someone has their "happy face" on doesn't always mean that they're really doing okay. The waitress who messed up your order, it might be her first day on the job. Your coworker who keeps on forgetting to do something you asked him to do may have a lot on his plate at home. Your professor might not be feeling well. Your bishop may be feeling particularly overwhelmed or inadequate. The upstairs neighbor maybe was short with you because she just got some bad news. Maybe he's battling depression. Maybe she's secretly struggling with an addiction to pornography. Perhaps he is trying to keep his marriage together. For all you know, she's been hurt in every other relationship and is hesitant about starting this new one. Maybe he had to stay up with his sick child all last night. Possibly, she hates her job as a telemarketer and really would prefer not to talk to you either but it's the only job she's been able to get to help support her family.  We have no idea.

I love the verse in the hymn, "Lord, I Would Follow Thee" which says,

"In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can't see.
Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow thee."

So I guess I'm learning two lessons from all of this... One, since we're all so good at covering things up, we rarely, if ever, have the whole picture; we do not know the behind-the-scenes. And, two, we might as well err on the side of kindness when interacting with others. Give others the benefit of the doubt. If they're going through something hard, then we'll be glad that we were nice to them. If they're not going through something hard, then we've still been nice to them and too much niceness never hurt anyone.

Lesson learned: Don't avoid endings

I was clearing off my desk the other day as I was cleaning up my classroom for the summer and I found this note tucked under a stack of papers. (The second time she uses the word "won't" she actually means "want.")

Sometimes I feel just like Baylee and I want to stay in "first grade" for another year. I don't like endings. Or beginnings, for that matter. I like the happy middle where it's comfortable and familiar. "Second grade" means a new teacher, a new classroom, new classmates, new rules, harder math, bigger words, and higher expectations. I'd rather stay where I know exactly what is expected of me and where I feel successful and confident.

But I'm starting to realize, at the ripe old age of 26, that endings are actually a good thing. Endings mean that beginnings are around the corner. Endings encourage me to change and experience new things. Endings force me to step out of my comfort zone and discover that I am capable of so much more than I realized. Endings make me rely on the strength of the Savior and less on my own strength.

Are there endings/beginnings that you're avoiding so that you can stay in "first grade" for a bit longer? Are you avoiding quitting your job and applying for a better job because it might be too much of a challenge? Or are you avoiding beginning a relationship because you don't like feeling vulnerable and it's less complicated to be single? Or perhaps are you putting off asking for help because that means that you'll have to actually start making changes in your life? Are you nervous to pray and ask Heavenly Father if He is pleased with what you're doing with your life because you're afraid that He might ask you to do something hard or uncomfortable?

Endings and beginnings are hard. I really really really really don't like them. But I like to remind myself that hard isn't bad. I can do hard things. In fact, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Philippians 4:13).

Don't stay in first grade for too long. It's very likely that you'll actually like second grade a lot better.

Lesson learned: Fear not and scoot closer

I have an autistic student who has some pretty major fears when it comes to fire drills. Fire drills make Spencer so nervous that he has his mom come in every morning with him to ask if there is going to be a fire drill that day. On Friday, we had our last fire drill of the year and on our way back into the classroom, I promised him that we were all done and he didn't have to worry about any more fire drills.

Yeah. So it turns out that I shouldn't have been so hasty in making promises. The following Monday, the whole school was invited to watch the fifth grade put on the play, The Wizard of Oz. When Dorothy and her friends finally made it to the wizard, they started using some special effects, such as a fog machine and some strobe lights. I looked over to Spencer to see how he was handling it all, and right then the fog machines set off the fire alarm. Spencer was totally panicked. I grabbed his hand and tried to reassure him as I was trying to get all of the rest of my class out of the gym in a somewhat orderly manner. It wasn't until we were outside, away from the sound, that Spencer was finally able to calm down a bit.

After everything was resolved, we went back into the gym to watch the rest of the play, but Spencer was on edge the whole time. Every time there was a flash from a parent's camera or a loud noise, he looked at me, put his hands over his ears, and scooted a bit closer to me. I reassured him that it was just a camera or just part of the play and that it wasn't another fire drill, which helped him calm down a bit, but he still looked at me out of the corner of his eye for the rest of the play. By the end of it, he was sitting right at my feet and I'm pretty sure he has no idea how Dorothy gets back to Kansas.

It might be because I'm feeling all sentimental as the school year comes to an end, but I really loved this experience. I loved that Spencer saw me as a source of comfort and reassurance. I loved that he felt like he would be safer if he was closer to me. I loved that he trusted me to help him through something that was terrifying to him. I loved that we had that kind of relationship.

Do we have that kind of relationship with the Savior? When we feel panicked, frightened, confused, abandoned, desperate, or scared, do we scoot closer to Him? Do we put our hands over our ears to block out the world and look towards the Savior for comfort and reassurance?

Fear is unfortunately a big part of my life. From small things, like waiting in line to get on Splash Mountain, to big things, like waiting in line to board the plane to go to Poland for 18 months. And I can honestly say that there is a ginormous difference in the outcome depending on whether or not I turn to the Lord in my moment of fear. Sometimes, for some silly reason, I choose to "sit on the other side of the gym" and just wallow in my fear. I let it consume me and I am miserable. Other times, I am blessed with the perspective to know that I need to stay close to the Savior and rely on His strength.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Who among us can say that he or she has not felt fear? I know of no one who has been entirely spared. Some, of course, experience fear to a greater degree than do others. Some are able to rise above it quickly, but others are trapped and pulled down by it and even driven to defeat. Let us recognize that fear comes not of God, but rather that this gnawing, destructive element comes from the adversary of truth and righteousness. Let us refer to the tremendously important truths taught by Paul: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Tim. 1:7) Let us find strength in the strength that comes from him. Let us find peace in the peace that was of the very essence of his being."

Through all of my experiences with fear, and I've had a few, I am finally learning that turning to the Savior is the only way to get through fear. My ultimate goal is to have enough faith that I do not have fear in the first place. But since I don't think that is going to be happening anytime in the near future, I am trying to be like Spencer and scoot closer to the One who has gotten me through all of the fire drills in the past and who will stay by my side until the fear has passed.