Lesson learned: Unknowns can be blessings

Last week I experienced another first. I went to book club. (I'm getting in touch with my older lady mature side.) The book we read was a pretty intense true story about a boy in Africa. At one point in the story, the boy is trying to run away from soldiers who are shooting at him and he comes to a river full of crocodiles and has to swim across to get away. I was so anxious to find out if he made it across the river that I couldn't help myself and I actually skipped ahead to the end of chapter to see what happened. I know that's a major no-no, but I just couldn't handle not knowing. Once I was confident that he survived, I was able to go back to the middle and calmly read the rest of the chapter.

Sometimes I wish I could do that in life. You know, skip ahead to the end of the life chapter I'm currently in and just double-check that it will work out, then go confidently back to the middle of the chapter. But Heavenly Father doesn't tend to tell us the end when we're still in the middle. Instead, He lets us experience life as it comes but then lovingly gives us small assurances and tender mercies along the way to help us be confident in moving forward and to get us through the discomfort of not knowing how it's all going to turn out.

I've wanted to see the end of the chapter so many times in my life. I hate being in limbo land, before the decision is made, when I don't know how it will work out. It happened when I was in college and I couldn't sign up for classes because I couldn't decide on a major because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life because I didn't know if I'd be working for 1 year, 10 years, or if I would need to support myself for the rest of my life. And it happened again when I was trying to decide if I wanted to serve a mission but I was hesitant to turn in my papers because I didn't know if I'd be able to be a good missionary, learn the language, and be okay living possibly super far away from home. And it really happened when I was feeling stuck in my "finding an eternal companion" chapter. (See that blog post here.)

In all of these situations, I just wanted to peek ahead and be reassured that it would work out, that I would be successful, that I was making the right choice, that things would be okay, and that there were good things in store for me. But, thankfully, Heavenly Father is in charge, not me, and He has shown me that there is a whole lot of goodness that can come from having some unknowns in life.

When there are unknowns, we are forced to be anxiously engaged in moving forward, we get to choose to be hopeful, we get to be diligent in staying close to our Heavenly Father through earnest prayer, we get to choose faith over doubt, we get to trust His timing, we get to learn through the struggle, we get to be brave and show courage, we get to turn to the scriptures, conference talks, and loved ones for answers and guidance, and we get to have experiences all throughout that life chapter that change us and mold us. These experiences and blessings wouldn't be ours if we knew all of the endings.

I recently have had to put this principal to test, yet again. A couple of months ago, Trevor and I started the exciting nine month pregnancy chapter. Sadly, this chapter ended up being a shorter chapter than we had expected. So we then turned the page to begin the miscarriage chapter and now we are on to the next chapter, which I'm not sure what to call yet. I have been tempted to be discouraged by this new chapter and I've felt that familiar unsettled feeling start to creep in as I so wish that I knew how this next chapter was going to turn out. But, instead of getting sucked into all of that, I am trying to draw from past experiences, remembering that it's okay to not have a set plan, paying attention to the feelings of calm and peace that are coming our way, and I am trying to look for the lessons that I will get to learn in this new chapter.

And I keep thinking of these words from one of my favorite hymns: "Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene— one step enough for me." I know it's easier said than done (and I'm mostly saying this for my own benefit) but we do not need to be afraid of the unknown. We can trust the Author of our chapters and just keep reading along, page by page. It will all work out.

Lesson learned: It's possible to be happy now

I do not like raw carrots. I never really have. It hasn't been an issue ever since I got to be in charge of my own grocery shopping, but then I married Trevor and he likes carrots and so now carrots are an issue again. At first, my plan was to leave all of the carrot consuming to Trevor. But then one day I had the random idea to try dipping an icky carrot into yummy hummus. And an amazing thing happened... I love eating carrots now.

Well, love might be too strong of a word, but I strongly like the carrots and hummus combo. If you give me a bag of baby carrots and a thing of hummus, I will go to town on it. I now always make sure that carrots are on our grocery list and I'm bummed when the carrots are gone.

My point: There may be ways to enjoy the icky things in life.

- - -

As Trevor and I got married, moved to Arizona, and began medical school and a new job, we heard a lot of things along the lines of...

"If you can just make it through July and August, then you'll love Arizona."

"The first two years are rough, but then medical school gets a lot better."

"Just stick it out the first month at your new job, then you'll like it."

"There will be a lot of adjustments the first year of marriage, but then things will be good."

Basically, it felt like they were telling us, "Life will probably be a little poopy right now and there's not much you can do about that. Bummer."

I know that people were trying to be helpful and encouraging, but it kind of wasn't. It felt like I was getting sucked into the mentality that I couldn't really be happy right now in this stage and I've got to wait for the future to be completely loving life again.

And I don't think that I'm the only one to have fallen into the "I'll be happy when..." trap. You know. The trap where people say things like I'll be happy when I'm married. I'll be happy when I've graduated and start making money. I'll be happy when I'm thinner. I'll be happy when I have a baby. I'll be happy once my baby is older. I'll be happy once I get a new job. I'll be happy once I'm healthy again. I'll be happy when I overcome this weakness. I'll be happy when the carrots are gone.

Yes, sometimes we get dished up a whole lot of carrots at once, but I think it's possible to find some hummus for those carrots. The carrots won't magically disappear and we will still taste the carrots from time to time but it'll be a lot more bearable if we surround ourselves with good things, things we love, and things that make us better. This strategy is how I'm staying happy even though it's still ridiculously hot outside at the end of September, my husband has to study a lot, and I am the new girl at work.

Right now my life hummus consists of:

• Doing fun things I love, such as blogging, baking, listening to my favorite song over and over again, eating fruit snacks with reckless abandon, and watching episodes of Boy Meets World
• Praying for tender mercies and the ability to notice those tender mercies
• Striving to remember all of my blessings and all of the things that are going right, instead of focusing on the hard things
• Zooming out and looking at the big picture; remembering why this will all be worth it
• Going to the temple
• Doing something nice for my husband and noticing the nice things he does for me
• Texting someone each day to try to brighten their day
• Exercising
• Listening to general conference talks on the way to work
• Picking up chipotle on the way home from work to get their yummy chips and guacamole

Some of these ideas are silly, some are imperative. Some may work for you, some probably won't. But it's what I'm trying to do. I want to stay positive. I want to take to heart Sister Hinckley's wise advice: "Don't wish away your days waiting for better ones ahead." I want to be okay with my carrots. I want to be happy now.

What do you guys do when you have a lot of carrots on your plate? What's your hummus? (Post a comment below to share your ideas.)

Lesson learned: Stick with it

My brother gave us a waffle iron for a wedding gift. Waffle irons are great. They assist in creating wonderful waffly goodness for us to enjoy. But new waffle irons are also a tricky thing. I am usually overeager the first time and I pour too much batter and it oozes all over the sides and I end up making a waffle with a tu-tu. So then I make an adjustment the second time but end up pouring too little which results in the fun-size waffle chip. Then it's (hopefully) by the third time that I finally get my act together and pour the right amount of batter for the perfectly filled out, well-rounded waffle.

Sometimes in life, apart from waffle-making, I am tempted to give up after the first try. After the first week of classes in a new semester, after the first day at a new job, after the first month on the mission, after the first Sunday in a new ward. I feel like it's too hard, it's not like what I'm used to, I'm never going to get the hang of it, it's not what I expected, and I want to go back to where everything was familiar and where I knew all of the answers.

But just like with the waffles, I'm learning that if I stick with it, I generally figure things out and things get better. A lot of the time, for me, it's the fear of the unknown and the discomfort of new-ness that makes me want to quit. But if I can have faith and hang in there long enough to learn from my mistakes, make adjustments, include the Lord in the process, and try again, the skies the limit and I can do anything. I just need to give it a chance. Give it one more day, give it one more try, give it one more transfer, give it one more Sunday, give it one more go. And then it will get better or easier or more comfortable or I will know more.

Right now I have a lot of new in my life. I have a new job, a new husband, a new apartment in a new state, a new temperature outside, a new ward, and a new way of living. Most of the time I'm happy. Most of the time I love it and feel blessed beyond words. But sometimes it feels like a lot. Sometimes it feels like I used to be able to make wonderful waffles but now I have a new iron and I won't ever be able to figure out how to make that perfect waffle again. But then past experience tells me that I need to stick with it and give myself a chance to figure things out and give the Lord a chance to work things out for my good.

Because that's what we do. We sign up for hard things or we have hard things put on our plate, and then we stick with it. And eventually, with the Lord's help and some patience and maybe some mistakes, things get better and we figure out how much batter to pour in our new waffle iron.

Lesson learned: Trust His timing

The following is a little insight into an almost daily conversation I have with one of my students:

"Miss Brown, is it time for lunch?"

"Buddy, we've only been in school for half an hour."

"Miss Brown, is it time for lunch, now?"

"Nope, not yet. But look at the fun things we're doing right now. Let's focus on that."

"Miss Brown, I'm hungry."

"I hear ya. But it's not time yet. We're getting closer, though."

"Miss Brown, now is it time for lunch?"

"I promise I will tell you when it is time for lunch."

"Miss Brown, I think we missed lunch! The other classes are gone!"

"[With a slightly exasperated tone...] Bud. Have we ever missed lunch before? I promise I'm watching the clock and I promise I will get us to lunch at the exact right time. You need to trust me, my friend."

The following is a little insight into some common conversations I have with Heavenly Father:

"Heavenly Father, I want to get married."

"Tess, it's not time yet."

"Heavenly Father, can I please get married, now?"

"Not yet. But be grateful for all of the amazing experiences you're having right now because you're single. Focus on that instead of worrying about what you don't have."

"Heavenly Father, I'm lonely."

"I understand and I know what that feels like. But it's not time yet. Continue to have faith that it will happen."

"Heavenly Father, I've waited so long. Now can I please find someone to marry?"

"I promise it will happen when the timing is right."

"[With a slightly exasperated tone...] Heavenly Father. I'm never going to get married, am I? Everyone else is getting married/already has three kids, a house, and a dog. Why not me? Why can't I have this?"

"Tess. Have I ever led you astray before? Have I ever messed anything up for you? I promise I have a plan. I promise it will all work out and you will be grateful it worked out the way that it did. You need to trust me."

_ _ _

Just as the teacher knows exactly what time lunch will be, God knows when we will receive our most desired blessings. And just as first graders have no sense of time and would eat lunch at 9:00 if possible, we may have a difficult time understanding God's timing and wish we could have what we want, when we want it.

But we need to trust Him. God has a perfect track record. We need to trust that and remember that everything will happen when and how it's supposed to happen.

Lesson learned: Hard isn't bad

I have a kid in my class who pretty much always knows all of the answers. He reads at a third grade level, gets 100% on all of the spelling tests, knows all of the double addition facts, and has, what we like to call, "teacher" handwriting.

But then last week something happened that hadn't ever happened to him before. Things got hard.

We were learning a tricky concept in math that was very much a visual thing and he just couldn't wrap his mind around it for some reason. I could see the panic begin to set in as he realized his classmates were all starting to get it and he was still confused. As we started a worksheet to practice this new concept, he tried the first one but couldn't do it. So then he started looking at his neighbor's paper and copying her answers. After calling him out on that, his chin began to do that quivering thing and he told me, "Miss Brown, this is too hard. I can't do this."

After working with him one-on-one for a little bit, it finally clicked and he was able to finish the worksheet. But he learned more that day than just how to add. He also learned how to persevere through hard things. He learned that if he asks for help, his teacher will be there to clarify and reteach. He learned patience. He learned humility. And he learned what his fellow classmates often feel like on a daily basis.

There are times where we are like this student of mine. Things just seem to be going smoothly, we feel in control, life is good, and then suddenly we hit an obstacle; something slows us down and we're not sure what to do.

I really dislike these moments. I don't like being confused. I don't like not knowing the answers. And I don't like making mistakes. However, I know that we learn the most when things are hard. And I also know that there are certain blessings that only can come to us when things are hard.

When things are hard, we often pray more earnestly, which strengthens our relationship with Heavenly Father. When things are hard, we remember our need for the Atonement, which strengthens our relationship with the Savior. When things are hard, we build stronger relationships with those we trust as we share our struggles with them and ask for help. When things are hard, we are later able to empathize with others who go through similar things. When things are hard, we may ask for priesthood blessings, which is humbling and can strengthen our testimony of the priesthood. When things are hard, we are more willing to slow down, be still, and listen to the Spirit. When things are hard, we learn how to turn to the scriptures and our patriarchal blessings to find direction and understanding. When things are hard and we pull through it, we gain confidence in ourselves and what we are able to do with the help of the Lord (see Phillippians 4:13).

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, "If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness."

Bottom line: Hard isn't bad. It's through the hard that we learn, grow, are blessed, and bless others.

Lesson learned: With help, you can change

I have a kid in my class this year with some pretty major ADHD going on. And when I say "pretty major," I am not exaggerating. He is constantly out of his seat, walking around the classroom, asking me off-topic questions, and distracting the other students. I know he's got extra ants in his pants, but I also have a theory that he's actually capable of more and is just used to getting away with a lot of stuff.

So this past week I began a project I like to call: Do Everything Within My Power To Get Him To Complete an Assignment. I pulled out all the tools I had in my tricky student toolbox—I put a little smiley face chart on his desk so he could see his progress, implemented the "air fist bump" technique, praised like crazy, did a lot of winking, and even got the class involved to help support him. I pretty much did everything I could to help him realize that he really can do more than he thinks he can. 

The change throughout the day was fun to watch. He needed so much support and so many reminders in the morning, but then as the day progressed, he began to catch the vision. He started checking in with me, asking me if he was doing a good job and wanted to make sure I was watching him. Then by the afternoon, instead of asking me if he was doing well, he was reporting to me and saying things like, "Miss Brown, I did it!" "I did everything today!" "I worked so hard!" I was pleasantly surprised by how well the day had gone. He was so successful because he wanted to do it and was willing to work with me.

Oh man. It's days like these that are exhausting but remind me why I love being a teacher. 

Do you have a bad habit in your life that you want to change but feel like it will be too hard to overcome or it's just too much a part of who you are? It might be something smaller, such as negative self-talk, procrastination, or judging others. Or it might be something bigger, such as an addiction or a sin.

Regardless of the size, I can promise you, from personal experience and from watching the experiences of loved ones, habits can be overcome. But I can also promise you, that you cannot do it alone. You need the help of a Teacher who has a really, really big toolbox full of the exact tools you will need in order to change. Because of the Atonement, the Savior knows what it feels like to be trapped in a bad habit; He knows how hard it is to change. However, also because of the Atonement, He can work with you to "make weak things become strong" (Ether 12:27).

The Savior knows that, at first, you will need a great deal of encouragement, support, and a strong understanding of His love for you. It's been my experience that, as soon as you turn to Him and make the first steps towards change, He will give you that support and send tender mercy after tender mercy to help you get going. As the "day" progresses, it's important for you to check in with Him to see how you're doing. The Savior will encourage you and help you see your progress so that you can catch the vision of what you are capable of. Eventually, your "confidence [will] wax strong" (Doctrine & Covenants 121:45) and you will be able to look back and see how far you've come. The key is this: you will be successful if you want to change and are willing to work with the Savior.

Here's the kicker, though. (And I actually wasn't going to tell you this because it kind of kills the moment, but I think it's true to life so I decided to include it.) The kid in my class who had that awesome day... yeah, the next day he was back to his very all-over-the-place self and refused to work with me. I mistakenly had thought that things were going to be good from now on. I thought that since he had had one really good day, for sure the next day would be good, too.

Fortunately for us, the Savior perfectly understands that breaking a habit is a process full of ups and downs and it doesn't usually just happen over the course of a day. He will be patient with us (as we also must be with ourselves) and He will give us the exact amount of support, love, and guidance we need in order to be the person He already knows we can be.

So be brave. Take a step in the right direction. Go to the Lord and make a change. Rely on His strength throughout the process. Be kind to yourself. And trust that you can do anything with His help.

Lesson learned: Weaknesses aren't bad

Pretty much all of my students start out first grade with a big weakness... they can't read. And that's okay. I expect that. A big purpose of first grade is to learn how to read.

So yes. They have a weakness. But that doesn't mean that something is wrong with them. They (and I) are working to overcome this weakness. And they are going to grow so much as they try to overcome it.

Here are some of the things they learn while they have this weakness:

1. The rest of the class is actually in the same boat they are.
2. There are often clues on the page to help them figure out what it says, such as pictures.
3. It isn't good to focus on the hard words. They can skip them and read the words they do know.
4. They can apply the phonics rules they learned on easier words to the harder words.

5. It isn't good to compare to the other kids; they may have been reading at home since they were 2.

6. Friends who are better readers can be very helpful.
7. Miss Brown knows they can't read perfectly yet. They can ask her for help. (I may tell them the words that I know they can't figure out but I will usually make them go through steps 1-6 first.)

I don't think they would learn all of these skills if they just magically came to first grade already as perfect little readers.

And guess what! You probably saw this coming, but the same thing applies to us...

Pretty much all of us start out this life with a big weakness... [insert your weakness here]. And that's okay. God expects that. A big purpose of life is to learn how to overcome this weakness.

So yes. You have a weakness. But that doesn't mean that something is wrong with you. You (and He) are working to overcome this weakness. And you are going to grow so much as you try to overcome it.

Here are some of the things you can learn while you have this weakness:

1. Everyone is actually in the same boat you are.
2. There are ways to get around your weakness so it doesn't limit you.
3. Don't focus on the weakness; try to remember all of your strengths.
4. The experiences you've had in the past with this weakness can help you with your current struggles.
5. Don't compare yourself to others; they may have been working on this longer than you have.
6. Friends who have your weakness as a strength can be very helpful.
7. Heavenly Father understands you have this weakness. You can ask Him for help. (He may tell you the answer if He knows you can't figure it out, but He will usually make you go through steps 1-6 first.)

I don't think we would learn all of these skills if we just magically came to earth already as perfect little people.

And now for the kicker and where the analogy stops... my first graders have all pretty much overcome their "weakness" of not being able to read, but we will never overcome all of our weakness in this life. This may seem discouraging, but actually I'm beginning to realize that it's a good thing...

Sister Anne C. Pingree taught, "We can find positive meaning in weaknesses that are not taken away. Surely nothing is quite as humbling as having a weakness that we cannot overcome but must continue to struggle with throughout our life. Such a weakness teaches us, in a very personal way, that after all we can do we must rely on the grace of Christ to make up the difference.

"As we humbly submit our will to the Lord's, we will find that our weaknesses can indeed become sources of strength if we put our trust in Him" (here's the rest of Sister Pingree's talk).

So, yes. We all have weaknesses. We came that way. We were supposed to come that way. The trick is realizing it's not a bad thing and noticing the good things that come from your weakness. And, just like you would never be hard on a first grader for starting out school without being able to read, don't be hard on yourself for having weaknesses.

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

Lesson learned: Change takes time. It just does.

I love first grade in the spring. The kids are chatty as all get out but I love seeing how far they have come since the beginning of the year, especially in reading.

There's a kid in my class who started out the year at about the level of a preschooler. He only knew a handful of letters and their sounds. Throughout the year, I have worked with him quite a bit, trying to help him catch up, or at least make some decent progress.

At the end of each week, I monitor his progress and the data gets entered into a graph. If I were to zoom up and look at the progress made from one week to the next, I wouldn't see much improvement and it could be discouraging, knowing all of the effort my student and I have put into improving his reading. Some weeks he improves by just a bit, other weeks he makes major jumps, some weeks he stays exactly the same, and some weeks he gets worse.

However, when I look at the big picture and compare where he started at the beginning of first grade to where he is now, I can see that he has improved. A lot. He still is way behind where he should be at the end of first grade but he is a better reader now than he was in September. 

The interesting part of all of this is that, the other day, I asked him if he thought he was a good reader. He told me no. I'm pretty sure he is comparing himself to the other students and he knows he still can't read as well as them. To help him understand really how much progress he has made, I showed him his graph, told him repeatedly that he really had improved a ton, and showed him exactly how much more he could read now than back in September.

From his perspective, he was behind in September and he is behind now, which probably doesn't feel like much progress has occurred. 

From my perspective, he has come so far.

As I've been going through this process with my student, I realized that learning to read is very similar to the process of making a major change in your life. Just like reading, change takes daily effort but the effects might not be seen on a daily basis. Change usually happens slowly over time. It just does. It involves changing your mindset, changing your habits, changing your surroundings, and changing your attitude. And it involves patience as you take two steps forward, one step back, three steps forward, one step forward, two steps back, and then another two steps forward.

It's also necessary to remember that we cannot change all by ourselves; we need the Lord to be our Teacher and to help us change completely. Gérald Caussé (First Counselor in the Presiding Bishopric) said, "If we rely only on our personal abilities, our progress is and always will remain limited. However, when we move forward in the strength of the Lord our potential for progress knows no bounds." (Read the rest of his super fabulous devotional here.) Just as my student would have made little, to no progress without working with me on a daily basis, our progress will be severely limited if we do not frequently ask the Lord to work with us as we are trying to change.

And remember, just because you can't see the change, doesn't mean it's not happening or that Heavenly Father isn't noticing your efforts. It might mean that you are checking your progress too often, comparing to others instead of to yourself, or forgetting that there needs to be consistent effort. Or it might mean that you need to ask your Teacher to let you see your graph.

Lesson learned: It's okay to not completely understand

Last week, I taught my students how to tell time. This is one of my favorite things to teach because, in just one week, I'm able to open up a whole new part of the world to them that they couldn't access before. It always astounds me, though, how tricky time is to understand. 

For the first few days, I had a lot of blank stares and I-don't-get-its and confusion. But by the end of the week, pretty much everyone was able to tell time to the hour and the half hour. Interestingly though, even though a lot of them can tell time now, many of them still don't quite understand how it all works. They don't quite understand why there are 60 minutes in an hour and 60 seconds in a minute and 24 hours in a day. They don't really understand the relationship between the minute and hour hands. And they only slightly understand why 12 means both o'clock and :00 and why 6 means :30 and how to tell if it is 5:30 or 6:30 when the hour hand is right in between the 5 and the 6. But even though they don't totally get it, my students love looking at the clock and trying to figure out what time it is. They are not put off from trying due to their lack of a complete understanding.  

Carl Bloch - "Christ in Gethsemane"

This experience reminded me of my understanding of the Atonement. Even after studying quite a bit, I still am so far from really understanding it. I don't understand why it had to happen the way it happened. I don't understand how He felt all of the pains and sorrows of everyone who will ever live on this earth. I don't get how His dying made it so we can live again.

There are so many things I don't understand, but as Elder Neil L. Andersen once said in a conference talk, "You don't know everything, but you know enough." I know enough to be able to recognize the Atonement working in my life. I know the Atonement enables me to be able to do things I wouldn't be able to do on my own. I know Christ can heal our hearts and give us a clean slate. I know that because of Christ, all wrongs and injustices in this life will eventually be made right. I know that Christ understands exactly how we feel, even when we feel like nobody could possibly understand.

Last April, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave an incredible talk in which he said,

"Please don't hyperventilate if from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and resolved. They do and they will. In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith."

Just as we don't fault first graders for having a limited understanding of a concept, Heavenly Father will not fault us if at times we have a first grade understanding of a divine concept. Let the things you do know and your faith carry you forward and know that a deeper understanding will come in time.

Lesson learned: Be still

This really happened today, pretty much word for word:

Me: Today we are going to start working on a science project!
Student: What is it?
Me: Just wait, I'll explain it to you. We are going to start learning about the moon.
Student: Are we going to look at the moon every night? We did that when I was in kindergarten.
Me: Just be patient and I'll tell you. So we are going to start studying the moon and we are going to use a folder to keep track of all of the facts we learn...
Student: I didn't bring a folder. Did you tell us to bring a folder?
Me: Bud. Put your good listening ears on please and just hold on a second. We are going to make folders to save...
Student: Can my folder be red? I want it to be red because I only like red things.
Me: [I ignore that last comment (since I know all of the folders will be blue and I know he will be mad about that) and I continue on.] ... we will make folders to save all of our moon facts...
Student: But I don't know anything about the moon. This is going to be hard. I don't want to do this. I hate science.
Me: [on the inside] AHHHHH! [on the outside in my teacher voice] Buddy. Look at me. I promise I will explain everything you need to know and you're going to be able to do it. Okay?
Student: Okay.
Me: Great. Now pretty please zip your lips until I'm done explaining everything.

Have you ever had this kind of conversation with Heavenly Father? I feel like I do this all of the time. When I'm beginning a new life challenge or a trial has come my way, I am very quick to interrupt the process and say, "Wait. What? What is this?" Heavenly Father may begin to explain but I'm quick to jump in again. I complain that I've already been through something hard or I've already learned this lesson and I don't want to do it again. And then, again, I may get reassurance that it will be okay, but I choose to ignore it and I panic, decide that I don't have any faith, tell Him I'm not cut out for this, and I'm done.

It's at this moment that I have a decision to make. Am I going to remember that the Teacher is in charge and knows the plan? Or am I going to keep stressing and assume I know what's going on?

We may not know the end from the beginning or know what our "moon folder" will end up looking like, but we can know that Heavenly Father is perfectly in charge.

Now, in my experience today with my student, at the end, I told him to zip his lips and wait until I was done. I feel like this is different with us and Heavenly Father. He, unlike me, never runs thin on patience and is never tired of hearing from us. We are welcome to pray and ask for assurance and explanation as much as we feel we need to. Sometimes He may answer and give us a bit of an insight. However, He may ask us to go by faith for a little while and "be still and know that [He is] God." (Psalm 46:10)

At those times, when He asks us to go by faith, we can pray a lot, focus on the things that we do have control over, look back at times when we've successfully made it through other struggles, and listen to "Be Still My Soul" on repeat.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Lesson learned: Don't pull the band-aid off too soon

Today a kid biffed it in my class. He kind of deserved it, to be honest. He was running even though I've told him a hundred times to please use his walking feet. I wanted to say, "See? That's what you get for running in the classroom." But luckily my teacher filter kicked in and I helped him up, showed some sympathy, said something teachery like "Bud, that's why I tell you to walk in the classroom, I want you to be safe," and then got him a band-aid for his rug-burned elbow.

Pause. Analogy moment.

Sometimes, as adults, we get hurt and need a band-aid. We're probably not skinning our knees or getting rug burns on our elbows, but we might be hurting because of loneliness, weaknesses, sin, the choices of others, financial hardship, doubt, unmet expectations, depression, etc. We have two options at this point. We can leave the wound open, but that ultimately just makes the pain and injury worse. Or we can apply some Neosporin (the Atonement) and then cover it with a band-aid, or if needed, several band-aids (ask for help, remove the temptation, pray, make a change, read the scriptures, surround yourself with uplifting friends, stay busy, serve others, etc.).

Back to first grade.

The kid wouldn't leave the band-aid alone. I tried to explain to him that it would feel better if he left the band-aid on but he wanted to see what it looked like so he pulled off half of it and then the band-aid lost its stickiness and then he was trying to get it to stick again and then he said it didn't hurt anymore and then he pulled it off and then he realized that actually it still does sting now that the air was touching it again and then he asked for another band-aid which I only gave him after he pinky promised me that he would not touch it until he got home.

Back to us and the point I'm trying to make.

Just like my six year olds, we often want to pull the band-aid off too soon. We might want to pull it off to prove to ourselves (and/or others) that we aren't actually hurt. Or, maybe the sting is gone and so we assume that it must be all better and we're done with the healing process.

But pulling off the band-aid prematurely can cause major problems. If we take away our support systems, place ourselves back in a tempting situation, rely on our own strength instead of the strength of the Atonement, stop asking for help, dwell too much on the mistake we (or others) made, or sit at home alone, we are most likely going to open up the wound again and halt the healing process.

And then, even worse, some of us (meaning me) will pull off the band-aid, have a good look at it, and then proceed to pour lemon juice on it. We forget that we've already healed a bit and are getting back on track, and we start to think about the guilt or shame or unhappiness we felt when we first got hurt. We relive the injury. We begin to doubt that we will ever fully be healed because, look, it still hurts when I push on it. We dwell on the pain of the past instead of focusing on the healing that will (and already began to) occur.

If we really want to heal and move on, I am learning that we need to stop dwelling on it and reliving it, allow the Atonement to work within us, realize perfection is a process, and just give it time.

Or, in first grade terminology... Leave the band-aid(s) on for a while, don't keep on checking to see what it looks like every two minutes, leave the lemon juice in the fridge, and give yourself time to heal.

Lesson learned: Some days are just practice days

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post about giving a test in my class. While tests are important in school, the majority of school days in a year are not test days. Most days we are learning and practicing skills, which usually involves some worksheets. When I already have a pretty good idea of who is understanding the concept and who isn't, instead of collecting the worksheets, I tell the students,
"If you feel like you did your very best, draw a smiley face on the top and put it in your cubby."

Most of my students will draw a smiley face on top and put it in their cubbies without a second thought. A few of my perfectionists, however, will come to me and say, "But Miss Brown, I didn't finish!" or "Miss Brown, I got three of them wrong." or "Miss Brown, it doesn't look like yours." To all of which, I respond, "Did you do your best?" "Yes." "Did you try your hardest?" "Yes." "Great! Put a smiley face on the top and put it in your cubby!" They don't realize that we are going to practice the exact same thing again tomorrow and the next day and the next day after that. They feel like the skill needs to be perfectly mastered today.

Many of us are perfectionists. We want to be perfect and do things perfectly, but then we find that we are consistently falling short. We feel that we have failed some kind of test. Heavenly Father knows that we are in the process of learning and He is not expecting perfection yet. He knows that more "worksheets" are coming. He simply wants to see that we are trying, that we are improving, and that we are moving forward. That's the point of practice. He doesn't expect perfect mastery from the get go.

We all just need to try our best. And my biggest thing is that I need to stop comparing my best to others' bests and to my own bests of the past. What I am capable of right now is different than what you are capable of right now and it's different than what I was capable of when I was three, when I was thirteen, when I was a missionary, during my first year of teaching, or yesterday. There may be a few slackers out there (and, no, you are not one of them) who just slide on by with as little effort as possible. But I feel like the majority of people are really trying to do their best that they can in that moment.

So why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we always feel that we need to do better? There is certainly a place for self-reflection and determining what improvements can be made, but, at the same time, I feel like it would be good for us to remember that not every day is test day. Some days are just practice days. 

It's okay if our worksheet isn't completely done or if we got a few of the answers wrong or if we didn't quite reach perfection today. We just need to do the best that we can right now, in the time we are allotted, with the resources we are given, and the knowledge we have. Did you do your best? Did you try your hardest? Okay then. Draw a smiley face on the top and put it in your cubby.

Lesson learned: Keep trying and be patient

We are halfway through March, the weather is warming up (except for that one time when it snowed this morning), and a bit of spring fever is starting to set in. My students are all getting very comfortable with each other which is leading towards a huge surge of CHATTINESS. Seriously. They will not stop talking. So, this week, I have decided to have a refresher course on raising our hands. I told my class what we would be working on, set some goals with them, dangled a couple of rewards in front of them for a bit of extra motivation, and we were off. 

After just a few minutes, they were all beginning to realize how much they really did interrupt and blurt out without raising their hands. There were some who thought it was funny that we kept on forgetting. Others were getting frustrated with how easily they forgot. We had moments of victory when some of my chattiest of the chattiest remembered to raise their hands. We had moments of defeat when that favorite someone just could not for the life of him remember to not just shout out the first thing that popped into his head. And we had lots of close-call moments when students would start to say something and then suddenly stop, look at me with the oh-you-thought-you-were-going-to-get-me-miss-brown-but-you-actually-aren't-because-I'm-going-to-stop-talking-now-and-raise-my-hand look, and then shoot their hand up in the air with a big grin. The best was when Nick put his hands on his cheeks and while shaking his head exclaimed, "We are NEVER going to get this right! Seriously. We aren't." 

So while it's been a long past couple of days, I must say that I don't blame them for having a hard time with this. It's difficult to break a bad habit and to train yourself to begin a new habit. Many of us have gone through the process of wanting to change a behavior, have started out with great hopes, messed up several times in a row, and then become discouraged and wonder if change is possible, just like my little first graders. 

I have this quote on the bulletin board in my room to help me when I find myself caught up in this cycle:

I love this quote. I love that Elder Christofferson, an Apostle of the Lord, is telling us that repeated attempts to change are not only okay, but can actually be viewed as holy. Bet you hadn't thought of it that way before. (P.S. This is from an incredible talk called "The Divine Gift of Repentance." You should read it...after you finish reading this.) We really learn and grow so so much as we go through the process of breaking a habit or, on a deeper level, repenting and turning away from a sin. It definitely is a refining and humbling process that takes diligence, effort, and patience with yourself. A lot of patience with yourself. Did I mention you need to have patience with yourself? Because you do. You need to have patience with yourself.

I'm beginning to figure out that just as we aren't expected to be perfect in life, Heavenly Father doesn't expect us to be perfect in the process of repentance or change. So don't be too hard on yourself if at times you blurt out and forget to raise your hand. Keep trying and move forward. Every step forward counts for something, even if there's the occasional step back.

Oh, and be patient with yourself. Your Teacher is.

Just something that I am going through that I thought might help someone else.

Lesson Learned: Silence doesn't mean absence

On Friday, I gave my students a math test. I was fairly confident that the majority of my class would do great on the test but I wasn't quite sure how Emily would do. She's smart but she has labeled herself as a bad test taker (thank you, parents). The morning of the test as we were reviewing, I kept asking her questions, trying to boost her confidence. Every time she got the answer right, I would give her a fist bump or a high five and tell her things like, "Way to go!" "Man! I can't trick you!" "You are rocking it today!" etc.

The time came for the test and as I passed out the papers, I gave her one last bit of encouragement and then we started. As I walked around the room, I was happy to see that Emily was right with us and doing great. But as I circled around to her desk again, I saw that she was struggling and getting behind. She looked up at me and asked, "Is this right?" I told her that she just needed to try her best and move on to the next one. The next time I passed by, she said, "Miss Brown, is this plus or minus?" I told her, "You know how to do this one. Just look carefully." At the end of the test, she was stuck on the last problem and again asked me for help. This time, I just winked at her and smiled.

She only missed one question out of 15.

This is totally how I am when it comes to going through life tests. I want Heavenly Father to give me the answers. I don't want to risk getting an answer wrong. I forget that I have been studying for this test for weeks, months, or even years. I forget that I have seen this kind of problem before. I forget that it's not the end of the world if I get answers wrong on this test; there are many more years of "school" and many more tests ahead of me. I start to think that Heavenly Father has left me to figure this out on my own and doesn't care if I succeed or not.

The fact that God is at times quiet does not mean that He is gone or has stopped caring. Just as a teacher occasionally withholds answers to see what her students know, Heavenly Father may stay silent to test our faith and spiritual knowledge. I am coming to find that there is great wisdom in this. We learn a lot when we are forced to struggle a bit for the answer. We gain so much confidence when we have to really focus and search our brains for any knowledge we have that can help us solve this problem.

I also think that Heavenly Father will not necessarily stay completely 100% quiet. I didn't give Emily the answers but I did give her encouragement during the test so she could regain her confidence. I feel like it's the same with Heavenly Father. I have had times when, through little tender mercies, Heavenly Father has sent me little reminders that He is still there even though I can't hear Him. It may be through a hymn someone else chose that perfectly matches my situation. It could be in the form of a sunny day. Or maybe it's when a friend just "happens" to stop by or a family member just "happens" to call. It could be just a feeling of calm even though there's still no solution.

Whatever it looks like, Heavenly Father is the perfect teacher and will be quiet enough to test us but present enough to strengthen us.

Just something to maybe put up on the shelf for later.

Lesson Learned: Don't panic

I have a student named Nick. He is a cutie and one of my favorites. (Yes, it is true. Teachers have favorites.) He is super funny and a good helper and has total lightbulb moments when he finally understands something. He has funny dance moves when we're getting our wiggles out and he always messes up the punch line when he tells me a joke.

So while I love Nick and I'm glad he's in my class, there is one thing he does that just drives me bonkers. The second something gets too hard for him, he will theatrically throw his pencil on his desk, put his hands over his eyes or up in the air, and exclaim in frustration, "I can't do it!" Ahh! It makes me crazy when he does this. First of all, he didn't even give it a chance. Second of all, maybe I wasn't done explaining the whole thing yet so I'm not expecting him to completely get it. Third of all, I totally 100% know that he can do it.

This especially happens with our timed addition tests. There's a voice recording that goes along with the test where a voice reads the math problems aloud to the kids. I've told them that if they get stuck or behind, they can just skip up ahead to the one we're on and leave the others blank. Nick hates not being able to fill in the answer to every question. He's pretty good at math so he usually does okay but, every once in a while, he'll get caught up on a tricky one, realize he's behind, panic frantically for a second trying to catch up, and then immediately do his little throwing-his-hands-in-the-air-and-exclaiming bit.

It's the panic that gets him. 

If he could stay calm for just a few extra seconds, he would be able to find where we are and catch up. He would probably only miss one or two problems at most. Instead he goes into freak out mode and gives up.

While this process drives me crazy, I can totally sympathize with him. I am the queen of freaking out. When something seems like it's getting too hard or when it doesn't seem to be going right, I panic, throw my metaphorical pencil down on my metaphorical desk, and want to give up.

Some lose their faith the moment they are diagnosed with cancer. Some decide that prayers aren't answered because they didn't immediately feel a warm fuzzy after their prayer. Others may be quick to label themselves as a bad mom, a bad student, a bad athlete, or a bad member of the church when they momentarily don't match up to some arbitrary standard that's been set. Some quickly decide that they'll never get married because their date last night tanked. Some give up on New Years resolutions because they missed one day or ate the ice cream.

Whatever form it takes, a lot of us are probably guilty of being quick to panic and lose the trust or faith we once had in someone or something. I am grateful we have a patient Heavenly Father who, just as I view Nick, sees the potential we have and knows we are still in the middle of a big learning process. When we have a moment of weakness, failure, stupidity, forgetfulness, or ignorance, we just need to stay calm, realize that it's okay to miss a few problems on the test, figure out where we're supposed to be, move forward, and get back on track.

That quote is from an excerpt from one of my favorite Mormon Messages. This was already one of my favorite talks so I was super excited when they made it into a Mormon Message! You should watch it. It will make you happy. And Elder Holland is always inspiring.

Just something to apply now or save for later.

Lesson Learned: Remember the ups during the downs

So this is actually a lesson I learned over the weekend as I was watching my little cousins for a few days. But it's about children, so I feel like it applies. First of all, my hat goes off to every mother out there. Holy moly. It is so much work. Especially one year olds. And three year olds.

Anyways, so I went into this weekend feeling like it wouldn't be that bad. I mean, I'm a first grade teacher. A cool first grade teacher. I turn on music from Frozen while we work at our desks. I let them have dance parties after a test. I call them bud. I'm fun.

But babysitting kids all day is a completely different story. 

There were moments when I felt like I was rocking it. The baby was napping, the older kids were reading, I was drawing with the younger kids, the dishes were done, the three year old told me she wanted me to stay forever, and everyone was happy. At other moments, I was tanking. Like when I didn't have a firm grip on his legs when changing his diaper and his foot (and my hand trying to stop his foot) went in the poop. Or when I slightly dropped him in the crib because my arms aren't long enough to reach over the side of the crib completely. Or when I made promises that I didn't follow through on, didn't monitor how much cookie dough was being consumed rather than made into cookies, or kept feeding the youngest Life cereal because that's all he would eat. 

This kind of up and down roller coaster seems to happen in all areas of my life. It happens in my teaching, it happens with my efforts to make and follow through with new goals, it happens with my testimony, it happens with my exercising, it happens with my self-esteem, it happened on my mission, it happens in my dating life...

Why is that? Why can't we always be up?

I don't think I really know the answer to this, but something I have learned is that, since ups and downs seem to inevitably happen, it is so crucial that we pay attention and notice when the ups are happening. Whether that means writing it down, putting it as a note in your phone, saying a quick prayer thanking Heavenly Father, telling someone about it, or something else, I feel like if we can take note of the fact that we are up, it will make all the difference when we are down. It will help us to remember that we were once up and that we can be up yet again. And be kind to yourself when you're down. Give yourself some credit, look to the past for when you were up, and push through.

Just something to digest.

Lesson Learned: We all have our own timeline

When most people think of Valentine’s Day, they think of significant others and love and hearts and roses and those conversation hearts that taste like Tums. Valentine’s Day looks quite different in first grade. There's lots of candy and doilies, but there’s not much mention of love or hearts or flowers. If I even hint at anything lovey dovey, all hope is lost and there are 20 six year olds giggling uncontrollably. 

I had my students make some decorations for our classroom and as I was explaining to them the idea behind x's and o's, chaos broke out. The room was filled with "eww gross!" "that's disgusting!" "kissing?!" "I'm never going to kiss" (I find that hard to believe) and "that's icky." It took me several minutes to reel them back in and get control again. I decided that next year, I might just go with hearts but the decorations turned out pretty cute... except that I, for some reason, temporarily lost my grip on reality and let them use glitter. I don't know what I was thinking. There was, and still is, and forever will be glitter everywhere.

I was talking to my teacher friends the other day who teach seventh and eighth grade and we were dying as we were comparing the differences between our students. My students can't even say the word "kiss" and my friends have to tell their students to stop making googly eyes at each other all day. 

This reminded me of how all of us are at different place in our lives. As we are growing up, there are certain milestones that we expect everyone to keep up with. We know at about what age kids should start to talk, walk, read, ride a bike, make googly eyes, drive a car, etc. And for some reason, we feel like that timeline should continue on into adulthood. Sometimes I feel like because I am 25, I should be at a certain point in my spiritual, physical, social, and financial development. Thankfully, we have an all-knowing Heavenly Father who knows at what level we really are. He knows what we are ready for and what things we need to wait for. Just like my first graders don't quite get it and think that they will never never ever want to kiss anyone, there may be things that we don't quite understand yet. Heavenly Father can see the whole picture. He knows what we will be like ten, twenty, forty years from now and He knows what is going to be good for us now and what will be good for us then. 

The key, for me, is to remember that Heavenly Father is all-knowing, all-understanding, and has everything under control. It's okay if we are not ready for some things now. That doesn't mean that we won't ever be. It's okay that I have friends who are married and have three kids, a mortgage, two cars, and a dog. I'm not behind. They're not ahead. We just all have our own timeline. As long as we are moving forward and not forever staying in first grade land, then I think we're doing fine. Be patient with yourself as you are learning and growing.

Just something to ponder.