Lesson learned: Choose to believe

Friday was the last day before our Christmas break. It was one of those 4 advil and a diet coke kind of days, but it was fun because we did a Polar Express day for the whole first grade. This girl in my class brought a bell to school just like the one that the boy gets from Santa's sleigh in The Polar Express. She came up to me and rang the bell up next to my ear and said, "Miss Bwown! Can you heaw it? Can you heaw it winging?!" When I told her I could hear it, she exclaimed, "Miss Bwown! You bewieve!!" She then walked around the classroom and went through the same process with pretty much the whole class.

Eventually, the bell ended up on my desk for the rest of the day, but I've actually been thinking about that experience a lot over the past couple of days. Her belief was so simple: if you can hear the bell, you believe, and Santa is real. It wasn't complicated. It wasn't tainted by the world's view of things. She didn't overthink it. She didn't question how Santa gets around the world in one night or how he knows if you've been naughty or nice. She just has been told that Santa was real, she has received presents from him, she has read stories about him, and so she believes.

I try really hard to be like the girl with the bell—I believe in God because I had parents who taught me about Him, I have had spiritual experiences where I have felt His presence, I have read about Him and heard others testify of Him, and so I believe. But sometimes I have a tendency to complicate things. I start to wonder how God can really hear all of our prayers all at the same time and have a perfect plan for each of us. I listen to the world saying it's a coincidence instead of recognizing it as a tender mercy. I overcomplicate repentance and forgiveness and the Atonement. I wonder why bad things happen to good people.

But these questions never get me very far. I just end up more confused and frustrated. So instead of asking, "why?" or "how come?" I try to ask, "Will you please help me to understand this when I am ready?" And in the meantime, I choose to believe. I choose to believe that things will be made right in the end. I choose to believe that there is a loving God who is in charge and knows what is best for us. I choose to believe that forgiveness is given every single time we repent and He never grows weary of us. And I choose to believe that prayers are heard and answered no matter who we are, where we are, or what we've done.

Yes, there is certainly a place for asking questions and looking for answers. But I believe there is peace and happiness in choosing to believe, even when it doesn't all make sense... maybe especially then.

"In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith." (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

Lesson learned: Trust His timing

The following is a little insight into an almost daily conversation I have with one of my students:

"Miss Brown, is it time for lunch?"

"Buddy, we've only been in school for half an hour."

"Miss Brown, is it time for lunch, now?"

"Nope, not yet. But look at the fun things we're doing right now. Let's focus on that."

"Miss Brown, I'm hungry."

"I hear ya. But it's not time yet. We're getting closer, though."

"Miss Brown, now is it time for lunch?"

"I promise I will tell you when it is time for lunch."

"Miss Brown, I think we missed lunch! The other classes are gone!"

"[With a slightly exasperated tone...] Bud. Have we ever missed lunch before? I promise I'm watching the clock and I promise I will get us to lunch at the exact right time. You need to trust me, my friend."

The following is a little insight into some common conversations I have with Heavenly Father:

"Heavenly Father, I want to get married."

"Tess, it's not time yet."

"Heavenly Father, can I please get married, now?"

"Not yet. But be grateful for all of the amazing experiences you're having right now because you're single. Focus on that instead of worrying about what you don't have."

"Heavenly Father, I'm lonely."

"I understand and I know what that feels like. But it's not time yet. Continue to have faith that it will happen."

"Heavenly Father, I've waited so long. Now can I please find someone to marry?"

"I promise it will happen when the timing is right."

"[With a slightly exasperated tone...] Heavenly Father. I'm never going to get married, am I? Everyone else is getting married/already has three kids, a house, and a dog. Why not me? Why can't I have this?"

"Tess. Have I ever led you astray before? Have I ever messed anything up for you? I promise I have a plan. I promise it will all work out and you will be grateful it worked out the way that it did. You need to trust me."

_ _ _

Just as the teacher knows exactly what time lunch will be, God knows when we will receive our most desired blessings. And just as first graders have no sense of time and would eat lunch at 9:00 if possible, we may have a difficult time understanding God's timing and wish we could have what we want, when we want it.

But we need to trust Him. God has a perfect track record. We need to trust that and remember that everything will happen when and how it's supposed to happen.

Lesson learned: It never hurts to ask

As a teacher of six year olds, I get to help with so many things besides just "school stuff." On any given day, it is very likely that I will be zipping up zippers, tying shoes, fixing necklaces, putting hair clips back in, sharpening pencils, unclogging glue tops, opening pudding cups, putting on bandaids, turning jackets right-side out, untangling jump ropes, unscrewing water bottle lids, giving friendship advice, settling arguments, explaining the difference between "on purpose" and an accident, providing trash cans mid throw up, putting baby teeth in baggies to be taken home to the tooth fairy, etc.

If I were to only help with math, reading, and science, first grade would cease to be functional. We would most likely survive the day, but it wouldn't be very successful, the classroom would be a disaster, very little would be learned, and pudding cups would go uneaten.

Lucky for us, just as teachers help with a lot more than just the "school stuff," our Heavenly Father isn't just there to help us with the "churchy stuff." He isn't just there for the spiritual decisions, doctrinal questions, and crises of faith. He can help us in all areas of our lives. We just need to ask.

Now, I'm not one to toot my own horn, but if I were to do so, I would say that I am actually pretty good at asking Heavenly Father for help. I have been known to pray and ask for help before a date (especially when it's with a guy that I really like and I don't want to botch it), when I'm lost and late, when I'm hoping someone nice will come sit next to me, when I need my day to go as efficiently and productively as possible because I have a million things on my to-do list, when my self-confidence is lacking, when I have no appetite because I'm stressed out but really need to eat something, when the turbulence on the airplane reminds me of my first (and only) Splash Mountain experience, when I have to put my big girl pants on and defend myself to a student's parent, when I have a student who is pushing all of my buttons and my patience is gone, and when I'm trying to decide what to say to a struggling friend who needs some validation.

Sometimes, it is obvious to me that I received divine help in response to my plea. Other times, it doesn't really feel like there was any difference. But either way, it's easier for me to feel confident in my performance and in the outcomes, whatever they may be, when I know I invited Heavenly Father to help me and then did what I could.

I figure, it never hurts to ask, right? We have been promised, "In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths" (Proverbs 3:6). And we have been counseled, "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not" (Doctrine & Covenants 6:36), as well as, "cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord" (Alma 37:36). Why would we ever want to pass up an opportunity to receive divine assistance?

As with any good thing, prayer can be taken to an extreme when we start asking for help in deciding what earrings to wear, what cereal to buy, and what rug would look best in the living room. This happens with my first graders a lot. Like when they ask me if it's time to go home. At 9:30. I like to call those kinds of questions "oops" questions. However, I am positive that if we ask with a sincere heart for help with something that is important to us, Heavenly Father will listen and will give us the exact help we require at the exact time we need it.

Lesson learned: Be still

This really happened today, pretty much word for word:

Me: Today we are going to start working on a science project!
Student: What is it?
Me: Just wait, I'll explain it to you. We are going to start learning about the moon.
Student: Are we going to look at the moon every night? We did that when I was in kindergarten.
Me: Just be patient and I'll tell you. So we are going to start studying the moon and we are going to use a folder to keep track of all of the facts we learn...
Student: I didn't bring a folder. Did you tell us to bring a folder?
Me: Bud. Put your good listening ears on please and just hold on a second. We are going to make folders to save...
Student: Can my folder be red? I want it to be red because I only like red things.
Me: [I ignore that last comment (since I know all of the folders will be blue and I know he will be mad about that) and I continue on.] ... we will make folders to save all of our moon facts...
Student: But I don't know anything about the moon. This is going to be hard. I don't want to do this. I hate science.
Me: [on the inside] AHHHHH! [on the outside in my teacher voice] Buddy. Look at me. I promise I will explain everything you need to know and you're going to be able to do it. Okay?
Student: Okay.
Me: Great. Now pretty please zip your lips until I'm done explaining everything.

Have you ever had this kind of conversation with Heavenly Father? I feel like I do this all of the time. When I'm beginning a new life challenge or a trial has come my way, I am very quick to interrupt the process and say, "Wait. What? What is this?" Heavenly Father may begin to explain but I'm quick to jump in again. I complain that I've already been through something hard or I've already learned this lesson and I don't want to do it again. And then, again, I may get reassurance that it will be okay, but I choose to ignore it and I panic, decide that I don't have any faith, tell Him I'm not cut out for this, and I'm done.

It's at this moment that I have a decision to make. Am I going to remember that the Teacher is in charge and knows the plan? Or am I going to keep stressing and assume I know what's going on?

We may not know the end from the beginning or know what our "moon folder" will end up looking like, but we can know that Heavenly Father is perfectly in charge.

Now, in my experience today with my student, at the end, I told him to zip his lips and wait until I was done. I feel like this is different with us and Heavenly Father. He, unlike me, never runs thin on patience and is never tired of hearing from us. We are welcome to pray and ask for assurance and explanation as much as we feel we need to. Sometimes He may answer and give us a bit of an insight. However, He may ask us to go by faith for a little while and "be still and know that [He is] God." (Psalm 46:10)

At those times, when He asks us to go by faith, we can pray a lot, focus on the things that we do have control over, look back at times when we've successfully made it through other struggles, and listen to "Be Still My Soul" on repeat.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Lesson learned: Don't overthink it

So in first grade we work a lot on writing. It's fun to see their writing get better and better over the course of the year but it oftentimes involves a bit of translation on my part to decipher their writing.

Sometimes their writing looks like this:

But other times it looks like this:

Here's the translation, in case you were wondering:


Mine's about the babies.

When the mice are born

they have no fur.

When they're born, they

can't see. When they're born

mice run.

Mice see                      

Mice 10 days.


So yeah. It's tricky sometimes. But I don't blame the students. Writing is hard. They have to think about handwriting, punctuation, spelling, capitalization, grammar, and content. The unfortunate part is that sometimes my students will be thinking so much about the spelling and the rules of writing, that their content is lack-luster or doesn't even make sense.

I think I sometimes feel like this when I am trying to pray. I want to express myself and say what I'm really feeling. But then I've heard so many things about making sure you pray for the right things and use the right language and be respectful and make sure you express gratitude and include a "thy will be done" and pray as if He is really there but also remember that you are speaking with Deity and your prayers should be aligned with His will and pray to have the Holy Ghost inspire you to know what to pray for, etc. It sometimes makes me so confused and then I start to overthink things and then it kind of ruins the whole prayer experience.

Lucky for us, we have an all-knowing Heavenly Father who knows exactly what we are trying to say when we pray. He knows us so intimately that He is able to listen to our hearts more than the actual words we are saying. He knows where we are developmentally and what things we might ask for even though we actually should be asking for something else.

Prayer is such a powerful tool and blessing that we have been given. I love that we are able to use our own words and express how we are truly feeling to a Heavenly Father who is always listening. So, for now, even though I am still trying to figure out some of the details of prayer, I am trying to not overthink it and just say what I feel like I want to say, knowing that the Teacher will know exactly what I am trying to say and will answer my prayers exactly in the way that they need to be answered.

Lesson Learned: Silence doesn't mean absence

On Friday, I gave my students a math test. I was fairly confident that the majority of my class would do great on the test but I wasn't quite sure how Emily would do. She's smart but she has labeled herself as a bad test taker (thank you, parents). The morning of the test as we were reviewing, I kept asking her questions, trying to boost her confidence. Every time she got the answer right, I would give her a fist bump or a high five and tell her things like, "Way to go!" "Man! I can't trick you!" "You are rocking it today!" etc.

The time came for the test and as I passed out the papers, I gave her one last bit of encouragement and then we started. As I walked around the room, I was happy to see that Emily was right with us and doing great. But as I circled around to her desk again, I saw that she was struggling and getting behind. She looked up at me and asked, "Is this right?" I told her that she just needed to try her best and move on to the next one. The next time I passed by, she said, "Miss Brown, is this plus or minus?" I told her, "You know how to do this one. Just look carefully." At the end of the test, she was stuck on the last problem and again asked me for help. This time, I just winked at her and smiled.

She only missed one question out of 15.

This is totally how I am when it comes to going through life tests. I want Heavenly Father to give me the answers. I don't want to risk getting an answer wrong. I forget that I have been studying for this test for weeks, months, or even years. I forget that I have seen this kind of problem before. I forget that it's not the end of the world if I get answers wrong on this test; there are many more years of "school" and many more tests ahead of me. I start to think that Heavenly Father has left me to figure this out on my own and doesn't care if I succeed or not.

The fact that God is at times quiet does not mean that He is gone or has stopped caring. Just as a teacher occasionally withholds answers to see what her students know, Heavenly Father may stay silent to test our faith and spiritual knowledge. I am coming to find that there is great wisdom in this. We learn a lot when we are forced to struggle a bit for the answer. We gain so much confidence when we have to really focus and search our brains for any knowledge we have that can help us solve this problem.

I also think that Heavenly Father will not necessarily stay completely 100% quiet. I didn't give Emily the answers but I did give her encouragement during the test so she could regain her confidence. I feel like it's the same with Heavenly Father. I have had times when, through little tender mercies, Heavenly Father has sent me little reminders that He is still there even though I can't hear Him. It may be through a hymn someone else chose that perfectly matches my situation. It could be in the form of a sunny day. Or maybe it's when a friend just "happens" to stop by or a family member just "happens" to call. It could be just a feeling of calm even though there's still no solution.

Whatever it looks like, Heavenly Father is the perfect teacher and will be quiet enough to test us but present enough to strengthen us.

Just something to maybe put up on the shelf for later.

Lesson Learned: Ask for help. It helps.

There's this kid in my class who is a teacher's pet to a T. He wants to help me with everything. He told me he wants to be a first grade teacher when he grows up. He does things for me without being asked. He volunteers to be in charge when I leave the classroom. He makes sure he's at the end of the line at the end of the day so he can be the last one to tell me goodbye. He always tries to sit next to me or walk next to me in line. (If only all the men in my life were as attentive...) And, lately, he has been wearing his picture on his belt loop just like how I wear my teacher ID.

The tricky thing with this kid is that if I ever have to discipline him or if he doesn't get something, he takes it so hard and instantly goes into major sulking mode. And sometimes he decides to sulk just because. (I'm starting to think that he does it because he knows he'll get some extra attention from me when he does it which is really super.) I'll ask him what's wrong but he never tells me. He'll just keep his head down in his arms and won't look up at me. So my technique as of last has been to tell him,

"If you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't help you."

And then I do the I'm-going-to-ignore-the-behavior-and-hope-he-stops-doing-it-soon thing. He usually figures out quickly that I really am going to keep ignoring him unless he comes to me and tells me why he's frustrated or what he needs. The majority of the time, I actually already know exactly what the problem is, but I am trying to teach him the skill that if you don't ask for help or say what you need, it's hard for people to help you.

Ironically enough, I feel like I'm currently going through this exact same learning process in my life but it's not coming from my first grade teacher.

I can see it so clearly when I am the teacher but it seems so much harder when I am the student.

I feel like it's hard for me, and a lot of adults, to ask for help when it's needed. We want to look like we have it figured out and pulled together. Asking for help implies weakness, imperfection, and lack of ability. It requires humility, openness, and willingness to learn. I am slowly coming to realize that, even though it's not my favorite, asking for help is a necessity.

Here is proof I have found that we are supposed to ask for help and that asking for help is good for us:

• Bible Dictionary on prayer: "The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them."
• Matthew 7:7 - "Ask, and it shall be given you." Along with James 1:5, 1 Nephi 15:11, Mosiah 4:10, Doctrine & Covenants 46:7, and scores of others.
• Elder Holland - "God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe." (This quote is from this amazing devotional.)
• My mom - "It never hurts to ask."
• And some pretty incredible people have asked for help - the Savior in Gethsemane, Peter when walking on water, Joseph Smith when in prison, President Hinckley on his mission, Nephi when building a boat, the brother of Jared when figuring out how to cross the ocean, Moroni when in battle, President Eyring when making career decisions, and Moses when he was feeling inadequate as a new prophet, to name a few.

So, bottom line, asking for help is good. It's good to go through the process of asking for help and it's good to receive the actual help. Asking for help can take many different forms. You may need to ask your parents or sibling or spouse or roommate for help. You may need to get down on your knees and ask a listening Heavenly Father for help. A loving bishop, other Priesthood leaders, visiting teachers, home teachers, and other friends can be asked to help. You may need to ask a medical, financial, or mental health professional for help. You may need to ask a teacher.

Whatever form it may take, I'm starting to learn that asking for help doesn't show weakness. It shows strength. It shows that you have enough self-awareness to realize there's something lacking or missing and that you have the desire and courage to make a change.

Heavenly Father is the ultimate source of help. Just as I usually know what my student needs and I'm just waiting for him to buck up a bit and ask me for help, Heavenly Father knows our hearts and desires and needs, but just wants us to come to Him and ask Him, in humility, for those things we stand in need of. While the process of asking for and receiving help may not always be my most favoritest thing, I am coming to learn that we need to ask for help in order to become who we want to be and who Heavenly Father wants us to be.

Just something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

Lesson Learned: Sometimes it's not about the details

I've decided to start blogging for a few reasons...

1. I'm trying to broaden my horizons and try new things this year.
2. I teach first grade and some stories are too good not to share.
3. Lately, I've been finding a lot of connections between the relationship I have with my students and the relationship Heavenly Father has with His children. And again, too good not to share.
4. I need a hobby.

So, last week I put on an oh-so-flattering beekeeper suit for my students. Normally, if I were around my peers, I would have thought twice before hopping into the outfit, but when I'm in teacher mode, I will do just about anything to get my kids to learn or to get them to laugh.

My students couldn't stop talking about it. For days. "Remember when you wore that funny outfit, Miss Brown?" (Sure do.) "You looked so funny!" (Thanks bud!) "I wish you still had it so we could see you in it again." (Oh, as do I...)  So, yes, they will forever have ingrained in their little minds an image of me in a bee suit. And while I hope that they will also remember that a boy bee is called a drone and a girl bee is a worker bee and a queen bee can lay a whopping 2,000 eggs a day, I know that these facts might be soon forgotten. And that's actually okay with me.

Regardless of what content knowledge students have learned or not by the end of the year, all students should know that their teacher loved them, knew they could do it, trusted them, and expected a whole lot of them. If they know those things and have the self-esteem that will inevitably come with that knowledge, they will be able to handle whatever life brings them...even if they forget all of their bee facts.

I think it's the same with us. Sometimes I get caught up in all the nitty gritty details of life and I want to be directed in everything. I get caught up in feeling like if Heavenly Father were truly loving and caring that He would tell me where I should live, who I should live with, where I should work, who I should date, etc. I'm beginning to figure out that this is not the case. Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. He wants us to know that He loves us, that He knows we can do it, He trusts us, and He expects a whole lot from us. All the other stuff is just filler. Not to say that we shouldn't try to make good choices and council with the Lord in those choices, but just that sometimes, in the grand scheme of things, there are more important things He is trying to teach us.

Just something to think about.