Lesson learned: He wants to see us succeed

When I was a freshman at BYU, I took Chem 101 from Dr. Zimmerman. I'm pretty sure this class was designed to weed out the strong from the weak. It was a huge class full of pre-med and pre-nursing students, and then the rest of us who were just trying to fill our GE requirement. This class frustrated me. We were graded on a bell curve. It wasn't okay for the whole class to get A's. It was expected that half of the class would get a B or worse. The professor got up, taught the material (aka read the powerpoint slides out loud), and then we were basically on our own to figure it out. The tests didn't match the homework problems. And Dr. Zimmerman had no idea who I was, didn't care if I showed up to class, and didn't care about how I did in the class.

Compare this to second grade.

In second grade, the teacher knows all of her students by name, knows their strengths and weaknesses, knows who their friends are, knows what they need to succeed, and knows where they should sit in the classroom. The teacher would be o-ver-joyed if all of her students got 100% on the test. The teacher carefully designs each lesson to meet the variety of needs in the classroom so she can best help each student. And the curriculum is intentionally designed so that all students will be able to succeed and will be ready for third grade.

Thank goodness life isn't like Chem 101. I'm thinking this life is a lot more like second grade.

Heavenly Father wants us to succeed. That is His sole purpose. He didn't set us up to fail. Why would He create a plan where only a teeny tiny percentage would be able to return to live with Him again? Yes, there are standards we must meet, and, yes, we need to put forth a lot of effort, and, yes, there are going to be difficult tests along the way. But Heavenly Father has set up everything in this life to help us, just as a second grade teacher wants to help her students.

In this last General Conference, Elder J. Devn Cornish gave a talk that explained this principal really well: "The God of heaven is not a heartless referee looking for any excuse to throw us out of the game. He is our perfectly loving Father, who yearns more than anything else to have all of His children come back home and live with Him as families forever. He truly gave His Only Begotten Son that we might not perish but have everlasting life! Please believe, and please take hope and comfort from, this eternal truth. Our Heavenly Father intends for us to make it! That is His work and His glory."

I love how encouraging and simple that is. This talk made me realize that more people are going to make it to the Celestial Kingdom than we may think. If we work hard, honestly do our best, and keep our covenants, we're going to make it.

So keep at it.

Lesson learned: There is help close by

Last week my second graders were working on opinion writing. They had to write an advertisement for their favorite drink and then present their writing to the class. Mostly everyone was okay with it, except for one girl. The idea of standing up in front of the class terrified her. When her turn came, she was already in tears and wanted me to skip her. I finally got her to come up to the front by telling the class to turn around and face the back of the classroom and offering that I could stand next to her. After she saw that no one was looking, she came up, she leaned up against my side, I put my hand on her shoulder, and she read her paper to the class. After she finished, she smiled, sat down, and the class gave her our class cheer— the ten finger woo.

I love that she did it. I love that she learned that she can do hard things. And I love that my standing next to her strengthened her. I didn't say anything. I didn't read it for her. I didn't tell her she didn't need to do it. I just stood next to her, put my arm around her, and she was able to do it.

In one of my favorite talks, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face... On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal... Occasionally the angelic purpose is to warn. But most often it is to comfort, to provide some form of merciful attention, guidance in difficult times."

And in Doctrine & Covenants 84:88 it says, "I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

I love this idea. I like to believe that there are angels close by, right next to us, supporting us with their arms around us, helping us get through the hard things, just like I did for my student.

For me, I gain strength and confidence when I can actually, physically hold on to someone or be near them. Like when a friend puts her arm around me when I'm sad or when Trevor squeezes my hand when I'm nervous or when someone touches my arm when they're talking to me. I need that physical touch, that closeness, that proximity. But sometimes we don't have someone close by to hold on to. Sometimes we are alone. Or we feel alone. It's at those times that we can lean up against the heavenly help that is all around us to gain that needed strength, confidence, or comfort.

I know that help from the other side of the veil is available to us because I have experienced it. I felt that angelic help as I boarded the plane to go to Poland to start my mission. I felt it as I drove home after my appointment when I found out I was going to have a miscarriage. I felt it when the nurse told Trevor it was time for him to go before I went into surgery. And I felt it yesterday at school after I offered a heartfelt prayer in the bathroom during lunch when I wasn't sure if I would be able to finish what was turning into a rough day with my second graders.

Heavenly help is there. And it's close by.

Lesson learned: Stop trying to be someone else

I have the cutest student in my class this year. She is fair-skinned, blue-eyed, blonde, and adorable as all get out. She's a great listener, looks out for the students around her, follows all the rules, and is always smiley. Pretty much the student every teacher hopes for.

The past few days, out at recess, she's been joining the boys who play soccer and it is a hoot and a half watching her play. She runs around and looks like she knows what she's doing, but then as soon as the ball comes her away, she puts her hands up in front of her face, gets this terrified look, and just kind of freezes. Then, as soon as the ball goes away from her, she gets her game face back and runs around looking all tough again.

When the class was lining up to come in from recess, I asked her if she had had fun playing soccer. She got a big smile and told me, oh so confidently, "I love it! I'm the only girl but that's okay. I need to get lots of practice because this is my second year on a soccer team."

Her response made me smile. She didn't care that she was the only girl. She didn't care that she wasn't scoring. She didn't care that she wasn't as good as the boys. I loved that she was just out there, being herself, trying to get better, doing her thing.

The past little while, I have been wishing that I could be different. I wish I could be more adventurous, less sensitive, a bit braver, more outgoing, and not get as overwhelmed as easily. I want to be like that girl in my ward who always knows what to say and has cute hair, or that teacher who never gets frazzled, or my sister who is brave and independent, or like my husband who is always so optimistic and consistent.

I spend a lot of time comparing myself to others and wanting to be different. But I'm pretty sure that's not what Heavenly Father wants me to be doing. Heavenly Father put us all in this giant soccer game with our different personalities and strengths and weaknesses for a reason. It's okay to be the only girl. It's okay to be slower than the other players. It's okay to get nervous when the ball comes flying towards your face.

It's okay to play in the game and not be like the other players. 

I had a wise mission companion tell me once that I needed to stop trying to be like her or like Sister Spear or like Sister Free. I needed to be Sister Brown because God needed me to be in Poland. He didn't need two Sister Spears or two Sister Frees. He needed one of me, with my personality, with my testimony, and with all of my strengths and weaknesses to be there at that time.

Of course, there is always room for improvement and trying to strengthen our weaknesses, but I feel like I need to work on being proud of my personality and my strengths. So that's my new goal. Try not to compare. Focus on my strengths. Stop trying to be someone else. Be me.

Lesson learned: Unknowns can be blessings

Last week I experienced another first. I went to book club. (I'm getting in touch with my older lady mature side.) The book we read was a pretty intense true story about a boy in Africa. At one point in the story, the boy is trying to run away from soldiers who are shooting at him and he comes to a river full of crocodiles and has to swim across to get away. I was so anxious to find out if he made it across the river that I couldn't help myself and I actually skipped ahead to the end of chapter to see what happened. I know that's a major no-no, but I just couldn't handle not knowing. Once I was confident that he survived, I was able to go back to the middle and calmly read the rest of the chapter.

Sometimes I wish I could do that in life. You know, skip ahead to the end of the life chapter I'm currently in and just double-check that it will work out, then go confidently back to the middle of the chapter. But Heavenly Father doesn't tend to tell us the end when we're still in the middle. Instead, He lets us experience life as it comes but then lovingly gives us small assurances and tender mercies along the way to help us be confident in moving forward and to get us through the discomfort of not knowing how it's all going to turn out.

I've wanted to see the end of the chapter so many times in my life. I hate being in limbo land, before the decision is made, when I don't know how it will work out. It happened when I was in college and I couldn't sign up for classes because I couldn't decide on a major because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life because I didn't know if I'd be working for 1 year, 10 years, or if I would need to support myself for the rest of my life. And it happened again when I was trying to decide if I wanted to serve a mission but I was hesitant to turn in my papers because I didn't know if I'd be able to be a good missionary, learn the language, and be okay living possibly super far away from home. And it really happened when I was feeling stuck in my "finding an eternal companion" chapter. (See that blog post here.)

In all of these situations, I just wanted to peek ahead and be reassured that it would work out, that I would be successful, that I was making the right choice, that things would be okay, and that there were good things in store for me. But, thankfully, Heavenly Father is in charge, not me, and He has shown me that there is a whole lot of goodness that can come from having some unknowns in life.

When there are unknowns, we are forced to be anxiously engaged in moving forward, we get to choose to be hopeful, we get to be diligent in staying close to our Heavenly Father through earnest prayer, we get to choose faith over doubt, we get to trust His timing, we get to learn through the struggle, we get to be brave and show courage, we get to turn to the scriptures, conference talks, and loved ones for answers and guidance, and we get to have experiences all throughout that life chapter that change us and mold us. These experiences and blessings wouldn't be ours if we knew all of the endings.

I recently have had to put this principal to test, yet again. A couple of months ago, Trevor and I started the exciting nine month pregnancy chapter. Sadly, this chapter ended up being a shorter chapter than we had expected. So we then turned the page to begin the miscarriage chapter and now we are on to the next chapter, which I'm not sure what to call yet. I have been tempted to be discouraged by this new chapter and I've felt that familiar unsettled feeling start to creep in as I so wish that I knew how this next chapter was going to turn out. But, instead of getting sucked into all of that, I am trying to draw from past experiences, remembering that it's okay to not have a set plan, paying attention to the feelings of calm and peace that are coming our way, and I am trying to look for the lessons that I will get to learn in this new chapter.

And I keep thinking of these words from one of my favorite hymns: "Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene— one step enough for me." I know it's easier said than done (and I'm mostly saying this for my own benefit) but we do not need to be afraid of the unknown. We can trust the Author of our chapters and just keep reading along, page by page. It will all work out.

Lesson learned: It's possible to be happy now

I do not like raw carrots. I never really have. It hasn't been an issue ever since I got to be in charge of my own grocery shopping, but then I married Trevor and he likes carrots and so now carrots are an issue again. At first, my plan was to leave all of the carrot consuming to Trevor. But then one day I had the random idea to try dipping an icky carrot into yummy hummus. And an amazing thing happened... I love eating carrots now.

Well, love might be too strong of a word, but I strongly like the carrots and hummus combo. If you give me a bag of baby carrots and a thing of hummus, I will go to town on it. I now always make sure that carrots are on our grocery list and I'm bummed when the carrots are gone.

My point: There may be ways to enjoy the icky things in life.

- - -

As Trevor and I got married, moved to Arizona, and began medical school and a new job, we heard a lot of things along the lines of...

"If you can just make it through July and August, then you'll love Arizona."

"The first two years are rough, but then medical school gets a lot better."

"Just stick it out the first month at your new job, then you'll like it."

"There will be a lot of adjustments the first year of marriage, but then things will be good."

Basically, it felt like they were telling us, "Life will probably be a little poopy right now and there's not much you can do about that. Bummer."

I know that people were trying to be helpful and encouraging, but it kind of wasn't. It felt like I was getting sucked into the mentality that I couldn't really be happy right now in this stage and I've got to wait for the future to be completely loving life again.

And I don't think that I'm the only one to have fallen into the "I'll be happy when..." trap. You know. The trap where people say things like I'll be happy when I'm married. I'll be happy when I've graduated and start making money. I'll be happy when I'm thinner. I'll be happy when I have a baby. I'll be happy once my baby is older. I'll be happy once I get a new job. I'll be happy once I'm healthy again. I'll be happy when I overcome this weakness. I'll be happy when the carrots are gone.

Yes, sometimes we get dished up a whole lot of carrots at once, but I think it's possible to find some hummus for those carrots. The carrots won't magically disappear and we will still taste the carrots from time to time but it'll be a lot more bearable if we surround ourselves with good things, things we love, and things that make us better. This strategy is how I'm staying happy even though it's still ridiculously hot outside at the end of September, my husband has to study a lot, and I am the new girl at work.

Right now my life hummus consists of:

• Doing fun things I love, such as blogging, baking, listening to my favorite song over and over again, eating fruit snacks with reckless abandon, and watching episodes of Boy Meets World
• Praying for tender mercies and the ability to notice those tender mercies
• Striving to remember all of my blessings and all of the things that are going right, instead of focusing on the hard things
• Zooming out and looking at the big picture; remembering why this will all be worth it
• Going to the temple
• Doing something nice for my husband and noticing the nice things he does for me
• Texting someone each day to try to brighten their day
• Exercising
• Listening to general conference talks on the way to work
• Picking up chipotle on the way home from work to get their yummy chips and guacamole

Some of these ideas are silly, some are imperative. Some may work for you, some probably won't. But it's what I'm trying to do. I want to stay positive. I want to take to heart Sister Hinckley's wise advice: "Don't wish away your days waiting for better ones ahead." I want to be okay with my carrots. I want to be happy now.

What do you guys do when you have a lot of carrots on your plate? What's your hummus? (Post a comment below to share your ideas.)

Lesson learned: Stick with it

My brother gave us a waffle iron for a wedding gift. Waffle irons are great. They assist in creating wonderful waffly goodness for us to enjoy. But new waffle irons are also a tricky thing. I am usually overeager the first time and I pour too much batter and it oozes all over the sides and I end up making a waffle with a tu-tu. So then I make an adjustment the second time but end up pouring too little which results in the fun-size waffle chip. Then it's (hopefully) by the third time that I finally get my act together and pour the right amount of batter for the perfectly filled out, well-rounded waffle.

Sometimes in life, apart from waffle-making, I am tempted to give up after the first try. After the first week of classes in a new semester, after the first day at a new job, after the first month on the mission, after the first Sunday in a new ward. I feel like it's too hard, it's not like what I'm used to, I'm never going to get the hang of it, it's not what I expected, and I want to go back to where everything was familiar and where I knew all of the answers.

But just like with the waffles, I'm learning that if I stick with it, I generally figure things out and things get better. A lot of the time, for me, it's the fear of the unknown and the discomfort of new-ness that makes me want to quit. But if I can have faith and hang in there long enough to learn from my mistakes, make adjustments, include the Lord in the process, and try again, the skies the limit and I can do anything. I just need to give it a chance. Give it one more day, give it one more try, give it one more transfer, give it one more Sunday, give it one more go. And then it will get better or easier or more comfortable or I will know more.

Right now I have a lot of new in my life. I have a new job, a new husband, a new apartment in a new state, a new temperature outside, a new ward, and a new way of living. Most of the time I'm happy. Most of the time I love it and feel blessed beyond words. But sometimes it feels like a lot. Sometimes it feels like I used to be able to make wonderful waffles but now I have a new iron and I won't ever be able to figure out how to make that perfect waffle again. But then past experience tells me that I need to stick with it and give myself a chance to figure things out and give the Lord a chance to work things out for my good.

Because that's what we do. We sign up for hard things or we have hard things put on our plate, and then we stick with it. And eventually, with the Lord's help and some patience and maybe some mistakes, things get better and we figure out how much batter to pour in our new waffle iron.

Lesson learned: It might not be picture-perfect

My husband, Trevor, and I moved down to Arizona a month ago so he could attend medical school. I really despise moving, but with lots of help from friends and family, it ended up being not too bad. Except for the part when we had the "piano movers" move our piano into our second-floor apartment.

I put "piano movers" in quotation marks because when they showed up, we discovered that they weren't really piano movers. They were just two strong guys that were good at moving things. I was a little apprehensive about the situation, but they acted confident and they were there and we needed the piano moved, so we decided to let them do it.

Their first plan was to kind of strap the piano to their bodies and then just carry it up. That didn't work because there's a corner in the stairs. So then they decided to carry it up until the corner and then tilt it on its side to make the turn. That didn't work either. And then they decided to take the legs off of the piano, flip it upside down, and then carry it up. At this point I went into the bedroom, shut the door, and tried to think happy thoughts. A few minutes later, Trevor told me I could come out and I breathed a sigh of relief. There were a few scratches and dings on it and the whole experience hadn't gone how I had pictured it going, but we ultimately ended up with a piano in our apartment.

I'm guessing you've had a similar experience to this. The experience when you think you know how things are going to go, you feel like you have a plan, you think you know best... but then nothing goes according to plan. In the middle of it, it feels hard and confusing and frustrating and you might pray and ask God why things aren't working out for you. But then, with time and patience and faith, things work out. They always do. Every single time. It's not always simple or convenient or quick or picture-perfect but it ultimately works out exactly how it's supposed to.

Take my dating/marriage experience for example... It wasn't at all how I had planned. Trevor and I met online. That's not a cute story. We only dated for 9 weeks before getting engaged. That's awfully fast. I was traveling in Europe for 3 weeks of our engagement. You're not supposed to be thousands of miles away from your fiancé. We got married in the Bountiful temple. The Salt Lake temple was closed. And then we moved away from friends and family. I'm a homebody.

But the important thing for me to remember is that it all worked out. I found my eternal companion and we got married. That was the important part. That was the blessing. That was what we had both been praying for over the past year. And it happened exactly how it needed to happen. Heavenly Father knew I needed things to move along quickly so I could just make a decision, moved forward with faith, and get married, instead of having all the time in the world to second-guess myself.

So I guess my point is... don't get discouraged if you have to flip your metaphorical piano upside down to get it up your metaphorical staircase. Sometimes that's how life goes. Sometimes you go through 4 different majors, 6 years of school, and 2 jobs before you finally figure out what you want to do with your life. Sometimes you go through fertility treatments and adoption before you have a child. Sometimes you wait until you're 38 to get married. Sometimes things happen quickly. Sometimes things happen super slowly. But it's all okay because we know that God is in control and has a plan which means that eventually we will get up the staircase and the piano will end up in the apartment.

P.S. Credit for the inspiration of this post goes to my wonderful husband.

Lesson learned: It doesn't matter what they think

I have several students who are consistently telling me what other people said about them...

"Miss Brown, he said that I was dumb."

"Miss Brown, she said that my picture looks ugly."

"Miss Brown, he said that I stole his scissors but I didn't."

My response is usually not what they're expecting...

Me: "Do you think your picture is ugly?"

Them: "No."

Me: "I don't think it is either. I can tell that you worked hard on it. So, I know that, and you know that, so let's not worry about what so-and-so thinks."

And then I give them that million dollar, first grade teacher smile and send them on their way.

Yes, I want to teach my students to say kind things to each other, but I also want my students to learn that it doesn't really matter what others think about them.

The funny thing is that I don't think very many of us ever grow out of this. Even as adults, we tend to care a whole awful lot about what other people think about us. I am The Queen of this. I care way too much about what the person I accidentally cut off on the freeway thinks about me, what my coworkers think of me, what my friends and family think of me, what my mission president thought of me, what my principal thinks of me, what my dentist thinks of me, and what my students think of me (which is silly... they're six). Yes, we should strive to be the kind of person who people look up to and think well of, but ultimately we do not have any control over other people's thoughts. I'm slowly learning that the key to happiness is to focus on what you think about yourself and what God thinks about you.

Why do we get so bent out of shape when someone doesn't think well of us? I think, for us, it's mostly a matter of pride, which is understandable. Nobody likes to look dumb or incapable or viewed in a negative light. But why do we give so much concern to what they think? They're not in our heads. They don't know the whole back story. They don't know where you're coming from or where you're going. They don't know what your intentions actually may have been. They're not you and they're not God.

With my students, they care so much about what their classmates think but their peers only see a small part of who they are. As their teacher, I know them all so well. I know what they're working on, what their skills are (or aren't), what their tendencies are, where they started, and where they are now. I am a much better judge of whether or not their picture is pretty or if they're good at math because I can see a much bigger part of who they are.

So really, if you're trying your best and doing what you can, if you feel good about it and know that Heavenly Father is pleased, then that's great and that's all that really matters. Go to your happy place and don't worry about what others think.

Lesson learned: Look for the tender mercies

One of my students came to me the other day and asked me for a band-aid. I usually have a strict "no blood, no band-aid" policy and he was definitely not bleeding. In fact, I actually had to ask him to point to where it was because I couldn't see any sign of an owie. But I decided to make an exception to my policy this time and I gave him the band-aid. I just felt like he needed it. I could tell that he wanted some attention from me and I wanted to give it to him. It was little and easy and wasn't really going to fix anything for him, but I knew that it would make him feel better.

This experience with my student reminded me how Heavenly Father shows His love for me. I haven't ever heard the words, "I love you" from Him or physically felt His arms around me. But I have had specific, individual, personal, non-coincidental blessings come at just the right moment when I needed to feel better, needed a little boost, needed to feel loved, or needed a little courage. And that is how I know He loves me.

When I was on my mission in Poland, one morning I read Elder Bednar's talk about tender mercies and it just clicked; he put into words exactly how I felt and what I had been experiencing. My favorite part in his talk was when he said, "Let me suggest that one of the ways whereby the Savior comes to each of us is through His abundant and tender mercies. For instance, as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. Repentance and forgiveness of sins and peace of conscience are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. And the persistence and the fortitude that enable us to press forward with cheerfulness through physical limitations and spiritual difficulties are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord."

I loved this. I loved it because I could relate with all of the examples he gave of tender mercies, especially the "personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity" part. At that time on my mission, I was definitely lacking in the confidence department. I was in an area that reminded me a bit of Gotham City, I was trying (rather unsuccessfully) to speak a language full of words like szczęście and przepraszam, I was homesick, and every single day was miles out of my comfort zone. But the tender mercies were there. All along the way. I was so grateful that regardless of the size or validity of my struggle, the Lord gave me the perfectly personal "band-aids" I needed so that I could feel better, feel His love, and keep going.

So the takeaway message from all of this is to look for the tender mercies in your life. I promise they are there. The hard part is that they can easily go unnoticed, unappreciated, or labeled as a nice coincidence. If you can't see them, perhaps try asking Heavenly Father to point them out to you. I'm pretty darn sure that He would be more than willing to help you recognize and understand His love.

Lesson learned: The small things actually do matter

Yesterday was one of those days where I started out feeling like...

By lunch time, I was feeling more like...

And by 3:00, I felt like...

The bell couldn't ring soon enough for me. I wanted the day to end and the kids to leave. Nobody was listening, the classroom was a mess, I hadn't taught half the things I wanted to, and I felt like if one more kid did one more thing, I was going to completely lose it. Thankfully, the bell did ring and the kids did leave and it was quiet for the first time since the kids had arrived that morning. I sat down at my desk, put my head down in my arms, and just soaked in the silence.

As I sat there, I thought back over the day and tried to figure out what had gone wrong. At first, I was blaming it all on the kids—"She was just on one today." "I don't think he took his meds this morning." "She just couldn't stop talking!" "I don't know what his deal was." But then it hit me that pretty much from morning recess on, I hadn't really been using any of the good teacher skills I know I should use. I was giving way more negative feedback than positive feedback, I wasn't using wait time, I wasn't setting my expectations, I wasn't being consistent and following through with consequences, and I was giving too many warnings to some and then coming down too hard on others without much warning at all.

Why had I disregarded all of those simple techniques that I know can be so effective? Was it out of forgetfulness? laziness? stubbornness? I think it boiled down to the fact that I was tired and I just wanted my students to be good and listen on their own with no effort on my part because I'm their teacher and that's what students should do. (Yeah. That doesn't work with first graders.)

Do we do this when life gets hard? Do we blame others, blame the situation, and/or blame God before looking introspectively to see if we may actually be making things worse, or at least not making things any better? Are there some small things we are forgetting, or perhaps, purposefully choosing not to do out of laziness or pride?

Just as there are always going to be tricky students in my class, life is always going to have some difficult things in it. But, as I was reminded of yesterday, choosing not to do the small things can make a hard situation so much worse. Continuing to do the small things will make a big difference, especially when we don't want to and especially when things are hard. 

During a particularly rough day or time in life, instead of going the blaming route, maybe we can ask ourselves—Did I read my scriptures this morning? Did I take the time to pray and humbly ask for help while also remembering my blessings? Have I been to the temple recently? Have I thought about anyone else besides myself in the past 24 hours? Did I get enough sleep last night? Am I taking care of myself physically and emotionally? No? Hmmm.... Maybe this doesn't need to be as bad as it is?

Remember... "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6).

P.S. Today was much more along the lines of Mary Poppins, in case you were wondering. :)

Lesson learned: It's good that it isn't the same

I keep on feeling that in order for life to be fair it should be like a standardized test; we should all have the same test with the same level of difficulty. If my #5 problem is 6+5=?, then your #5 problem should be 6+5=?. If my test gets progressively harder, so should yours. If I've had three weeks to study for the test, you should have that same amount of time to prepare. And if I need at least a score of 80% to pass, then that should be the score you need in order to pass, too. This perspective was neat and tidy and made sense to me.

But then I look at what life is really like and I get all confused. I have a friend who has lost both of her parents and I have both of mine. That doesn't seem fair. I have a friend who is 32 and desperately wants to get married and I have a friend who got married at age 19 to the first guy she met at BYU. That doesn't seem fair. I have friends who experience same-sex attraction and choose to fight every single day to stay true to what they believe is right. That doesn't seem fair. Some women get pregnant "on accident" and others try for years and spend thousands of dollars and still are never able to have a baby. That doesn't seem fair. I have students who come to school in their pajamas, smelling heavily of cigarette smoke and students who come to school in the latest J. Crew Kids outfit and perfect pigtails. That doesn't seem fair.

Sometimes I get frustrated that life seems so much harder for some than for others. I feel like if we're all ultimately going through this "test of life" so we can live with God again, shouldn't we all have the same kind of test?

So I've been confused.

Until last week... when I wrote report cards.

As I was writing, I realized that a lot of what I do as a teacher is whatever I decide will help each individual student learn the material. I look at where they started when they first came to my class. I look at the parent support they have at home. I look at their learning styles and interests. I look at how hard they've been working in class. And then I decide what they need in order to succeed. Some kids need more support. Some kids need to go over the fundamentals again. Some kids need to be stretched because they're already getting all of the answers right. Some kids need to be taught the lesson in a different way. And some kids need to know they're doing great and right on track.

I feel like this same principal applies to the trials and struggles we go through in life; they are catered specifically to what we need so that we can learn and grow. It's a good thing that we don't all have the same problems and that God doesn't simply assign points to everybody using some kind of heavenly grading scale — "You successfully got through this trial. 10 points for you. She had the same trial but really struggled through it. 6 points for her. Great. Let's all move on to the next one" — He looks at the whole picture. He knows your weaknesses, the trials you've gone through, your family life, the blessings you've received, your strengths, your weaknesses, the supportive friends you do or don't have, your potential. And He knows what you need next in your life in order for you to be successful and ultimately pass this earthly test.

Lessons learned: The favorites

Well, friends, it has been exactly one whole year since I first started this blog. It has been such a blessing in my life and I am grateful I started it when I did. If there was ever a year when I needed to do something like this, it was this past year. My blog has helped me to see the good in others, look for the positive, see the hand of the Lord in my life, and find the wisdom that can be gained through everyday experiences.

Some blog posts were popular and got lots of views... like that one time I told everyone about how I really want to get married. (Vulnerability at its best.) Other posts weren't quite as popular but that was okay because they were more for me anyways. Some took me weeks to get just right. Others took only thirty minutes. Some posts were written to be funny. Some were written to make a point. Some were written to help me tell about my struggles without really telling about my struggles. (Sometimes being vulnerable is hard.) And others were written because I really just wanted to reach out to those who are struggling and need to read something encouraging.

So thank you for reading. Thanks for the kind comments. Thanks for passing my posts along to others. I hope it has been a good thing.

Here are some of the good ones. Be sure to take a look if there were some that you missed.

Your favorites:

1. Lesson learned: Silence doesn't mean absence

"The fact that God is at times quiet does not mean that He is gone or has stopped caring. Just as a teacher occasionally withholds answers to see what her students know, Heavenly Father may stay silent to test our faith and spiritual knowledge. I am coming to find that there is great wisdom in this..." 

2. Lesson learned: Trust His timing

"Just as the teacher knows exactly what time lunch will be, God knows when we will receive our most desired blessings. And just as first graders have no sense of time and would eat lunch at 9:00 if possible, we may have a difficult time understanding God's timing and wish we could have what we want, when we want it."

3. Lesson learned: People come and go for a reason

"People are placed in our lives for a reason. We may not see it at first and we may even want to ask the Teacher to "switch our desks," but if we pay attention, we may be fortunate enough to see how that person is blessing our lives."

My favorites: 

1. Lesson learned: Sometimes we just get to be brave

"Today took courage. I knew it would be that way. I knew that it would be not so hard for some and really hard for others. I saw the butterflies in their stomachs. But we just had to do it. We had to get through the first day. My first graders just got to be brave today."

2. Lesson learned: Hard isn't bad

"After working with him one-on-one for a little bit, it finally clicked and he was able to finish the worksheet. But he learned more that day than just how to add. He also learned how to persevere through hard things. He learned that if he asks for help, his teacher will be there to clarify and reteach. He learned patience. He learned humility. And he learned what his fellow classmates often feel like on a daily basis."

3. Lesson learned: Some days are just practice days

"It's okay if our worksheet isn't completely done or if we got a few of the answers wrong or if we didn't quite reach perfection today. We just need to do the best that we can right now, in the time we are allotted, with the resources we are given, and the knowledge we have. Did you do your best? Did you try your hardest? Okay then. Draw a smiley face on the top and put it in your cubby."

Lesson learned: Open up and share what you learn

A couple of days ago, one of my students walked into my classroom with one of those looks that told me it had been a rough morning and he was bringing his Mr. Grumpy Pants with him to school. I tried to be all positive and bubbly and first grade teacher on him, but it did nothing to change his mood. He just sat at his desk and wouldn't do his morning work. I told him encouragingly that he needed to get it done, at which point he threw his notebook on the ground. I picked it up with a smile and suggested he just work on the first one. And then he ripped out the page and told me I was annoying. At which point happy first grade teacher went away and we started having some consequences.

Three and a half hours, one tantrum, 10 minutes in think time, the silent treatment from both parties involved, one missed recess, and several exasperated sighs later... he finally got his morning work done. And then it was time for lunch. (In hindsight, yes, I probably should have handled this differently and not let it turn into a power struggle. So... I'm not a perfect teacher.)

But the point of the story is actually what happened the next day. Mr. Grumpy Pants came to school all smiles, thank goodness, but there was another kid who decided she didn't want to do her morning work that day. Just as I was thinking to myself, "Oh, no. Not again..." Mr. Grumpy Pants went up to Miss I Don't Want To Do Anything and told her, "Hey. Just do it. Then it won't take forever and you won't be sad and you'll get recess." And then something incredible happened... she sat down and did it. I was amazed. And, oh, so grateful that Mr. Grumpy Pants had stepped up and helped out.

More and more, I am realizing that God wants us to learn from our trials and mistakes not only so that we can become better and grow closer to Him, but also so that we can help others become better and grow closer to Him.

But, in order for this to work, we need to start telling people what we have been through and share the things that we've learned. Yes, that means we will have to be vulnerable and share some of our weaknesses, which tends to make us feel super uncomfortable. But if we all just keep pretending that we have life figured out and that we never make mistakes, then we are never going to be able to help others who, you know, don't have life figured out and make mistakes. Why not be open and possibly save someone from going through a hard lesson to be learned?

In the education world, did you know that students actually wouldn't do any better if they were taught one-on-one all of the time? Research has shown that students learn better when they are in a class. Why? Because there is a social aspect to learning. Students can teach and learn so much from each other. There's a reason that we have all been put into families and friendships and relationships and communities and groups and wards. We are supposed to help each other. And learn from each other. That's the whole point.

Lesson learned: Choose to believe

Friday was the last day before our Christmas break. It was one of those 4 advil and a diet coke kind of days, but it was fun because we did a Polar Express day for the whole first grade. This girl in my class brought a bell to school just like the one that the boy gets from Santa's sleigh in The Polar Express. She came up to me and rang the bell up next to my ear and said, "Miss Bwown! Can you heaw it? Can you heaw it winging?!" When I told her I could hear it, she exclaimed, "Miss Bwown! You bewieve!!" She then walked around the classroom and went through the same process with pretty much the whole class.

Eventually, the bell ended up on my desk for the rest of the day, but I've actually been thinking about that experience a lot over the past couple of days. Her belief was so simple: if you can hear the bell, you believe, and Santa is real. It wasn't complicated. It wasn't tainted by the world's view of things. She didn't overthink it. She didn't question how Santa gets around the world in one night or how he knows if you've been naughty or nice. She just has been told that Santa was real, she has received presents from him, she has read stories about him, and so she believes.

I try really hard to be like the girl with the bell—I believe in God because I had parents who taught me about Him, I have had spiritual experiences where I have felt His presence, I have read about Him and heard others testify of Him, and so I believe. But sometimes I have a tendency to complicate things. I start to wonder how God can really hear all of our prayers all at the same time and have a perfect plan for each of us. I listen to the world saying it's a coincidence instead of recognizing it as a tender mercy. I overcomplicate repentance and forgiveness and the Atonement. I wonder why bad things happen to good people.

But these questions never get me very far. I just end up more confused and frustrated. So instead of asking, "why?" or "how come?" I try to ask, "Will you please help me to understand this when I am ready?" And in the meantime, I choose to believe. I choose to believe that things will be made right in the end. I choose to believe that there is a loving God who is in charge and knows what is best for us. I choose to believe that forgiveness is given every single time we repent and He never grows weary of us. And I choose to believe that prayers are heard and answered no matter who we are, where we are, or what we've done.

Yes, there is certainly a place for asking questions and looking for answers. But I believe there is peace and happiness in choosing to believe, even when it doesn't all make sense... maybe especially then.

"In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith." (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

Lesson learned: Trust His timing

The following is a little insight into an almost daily conversation I have with one of my students:

"Miss Brown, is it time for lunch?"

"Buddy, we've only been in school for half an hour."

"Miss Brown, is it time for lunch, now?"

"Nope, not yet. But look at the fun things we're doing right now. Let's focus on that."

"Miss Brown, I'm hungry."

"I hear ya. But it's not time yet. We're getting closer, though."

"Miss Brown, now is it time for lunch?"

"I promise I will tell you when it is time for lunch."

"Miss Brown, I think we missed lunch! The other classes are gone!"

"[With a slightly exasperated tone...] Bud. Have we ever missed lunch before? I promise I'm watching the clock and I promise I will get us to lunch at the exact right time. You need to trust me, my friend."

The following is a little insight into some common conversations I have with Heavenly Father:

"Heavenly Father, I want to get married."

"Tess, it's not time yet."

"Heavenly Father, can I please get married, now?"

"Not yet. But be grateful for all of the amazing experiences you're having right now because you're single. Focus on that instead of worrying about what you don't have."

"Heavenly Father, I'm lonely."

"I understand and I know what that feels like. But it's not time yet. Continue to have faith that it will happen."

"Heavenly Father, I've waited so long. Now can I please find someone to marry?"

"I promise it will happen when the timing is right."

"[With a slightly exasperated tone...] Heavenly Father. I'm never going to get married, am I? Everyone else is getting married/already has three kids, a house, and a dog. Why not me? Why can't I have this?"

"Tess. Have I ever led you astray before? Have I ever messed anything up for you? I promise I have a plan. I promise it will all work out and you will be grateful it worked out the way that it did. You need to trust me."

_ _ _

Just as the teacher knows exactly what time lunch will be, God knows when we will receive our most desired blessings. And just as first graders have no sense of time and would eat lunch at 9:00 if possible, we may have a difficult time understanding God's timing and wish we could have what we want, when we want it.

But we need to trust Him. God has a perfect track record. We need to trust that and remember that everything will happen when and how it's supposed to happen.

Lesson learned: Remembering = Success

My students' ability to remember things really determines how successful they'll be. If my students can remember the rules, they won't get into trouble. If my students can remember that there needs to be a sneaky "e" at the end of a long vowel word, they'll do well on their spelling test. If my students can remember the doubles song we memorized, they'll be able to go faster on their timed-math tests.

I don't expect my first graders to be pro-rememberers, so I do some things to help them out. For example, with our class rules, I have the rules hanging up on the wall and we recite them every morning. And then, throughout the day, if students forget a rule, I'll ask the class, "Oh, wait. What's our rule #6 again?" And they all say, "Everyone does everything!" And then I say, "Oh good! I thought you had forgotten! Show me that you remember." And then we try again and everyone does everything.

First grade isn't just about learning; it's really about remembering. It doesn't really matter if they knew it in the morning if they forget it by the afternoon.

It turns out, remembering is still the key to success as an adult. Unfortunately, I feel like, lately, I've been having a hard time remembering. I'm not talking about remembering where I parked my car. I'm talking about remembering and applying the truths that I've learned from others and from past experiences. For instance, I've known that God loves me since I was a three-year-old sunbeam, but then when the going gets rough and my prayers seem to go unanswered, I sometimes forget that His love is still there. Or I know that repentance and forgiveness are very real principals, but then I forget and feel guilty again for past mistakes that I've already repented of. I know that reading the scriptures and praying daily are little things that make a huge difference, but then I forget and choose to just go to bed. And I know that everything ultimately always works out how it's supposed to, but then I forget and panic and think that this time will be the exception and there's no way things will come together.

But lucky for us, Heavenly Father has given us lots of tools to help us remember. He can remind us through the gift of the Holy Ghost, scriptures, modern-day prophets, patriarchal blessings, close friends and family, challenging experiences, and, if all else fails, post-it notes on bathroom mirrors...

So my new thing is to work on remembering. Not just in the mornings when I say my prayers. Not just when I'm sitting in a sunday school lesson. Not just when everything is going swimmingly. I want to remember when things are hard. I want to remember when I mess up and make a mistake. I want to remember even when I pray for something night after night and don't get an answer.

I want to remember because I'm finally figuring out this truth: Satan wants us to forget so that we will fail and God wants us to remember so that we will succeed.

Lesson learned: Hard isn't bad

I have a kid in my class who pretty much always knows all of the answers. He reads at a third grade level, gets 100% on all of the spelling tests, knows all of the double addition facts, and has, what we like to call, "teacher" handwriting.

But then last week something happened that hadn't ever happened to him before. Things got hard.

We were learning a tricky concept in math that was very much a visual thing and he just couldn't wrap his mind around it for some reason. I could see the panic begin to set in as he realized his classmates were all starting to get it and he was still confused. As we started a worksheet to practice this new concept, he tried the first one but couldn't do it. So then he started looking at his neighbor's paper and copying her answers. After calling him out on that, his chin began to do that quivering thing and he told me, "Miss Brown, this is too hard. I can't do this."

After working with him one-on-one for a little bit, it finally clicked and he was able to finish the worksheet. But he learned more that day than just how to add. He also learned how to persevere through hard things. He learned that if he asks for help, his teacher will be there to clarify and reteach. He learned patience. He learned humility. And he learned what his fellow classmates often feel like on a daily basis.

There are times where we are like this student of mine. Things just seem to be going smoothly, we feel in control, life is good, and then suddenly we hit an obstacle; something slows us down and we're not sure what to do.

I really dislike these moments. I don't like being confused. I don't like not knowing the answers. And I don't like making mistakes. However, I know that we learn the most when things are hard. And I also know that there are certain blessings that only can come to us when things are hard.

When things are hard, we often pray more earnestly, which strengthens our relationship with Heavenly Father. When things are hard, we remember our need for the Atonement, which strengthens our relationship with the Savior. When things are hard, we build stronger relationships with those we trust as we share our struggles with them and ask for help. When things are hard, we are later able to empathize with others who go through similar things. When things are hard, we may ask for priesthood blessings, which is humbling and can strengthen our testimony of the priesthood. When things are hard, we are more willing to slow down, be still, and listen to the Spirit. When things are hard, we learn how to turn to the scriptures and our patriarchal blessings to find direction and understanding. When things are hard and we pull through it, we gain confidence in ourselves and what we are able to do with the help of the Lord (see Phillippians 4:13).

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, "If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness."

Bottom line: Hard isn't bad. It's through the hard that we learn, grow, are blessed, and bless others.

Lesson learned: Put on your good listening ears

As it has been for every teacher since the beginning of time, I have some students who listen and some who don't. I try my hardest to train everyone so they know that when I am talking, their voices need to be off and they need to have on their good listening ears. But still, there are always those who choose not to listen... they continue to talk to their friends, they get distracted by stuff in their desks, they just want to hurry and put the last finishing touches on their picture, or some are actually just completely oblivious to the fact that I am talking and so they don't even feel the need to listen.

We've been having a bit of a listening problem in our class the past couple of days. I got to the point where I really wanted to duct tape their mouths shut help them remember the reasons why it's important to listen. We had a little chat and came up with these reasons:

As I was looking at this web after school, I had the thought, "Am I a good listener?" And then I thought about the upcoming General Conference where we will have an opportunity to listen to the prophet of God, President Monson, and the other leaders of the Church. The first grade reasons for listening apply to listening to General Conference: we need to listen so we can know where to go, so we can hear divine instructions, so we know what to do, so we can learn new things, so we can be safe, so others can hear (feel the Spirit) around us, so we can know what the Teacher knows, so we can share with others what we have heard, so we don't get into trouble, so we don't miss an opportunity to do something good, and because we want to do things the right way.

So. Are we going to be good listeners? Are we going to give them our full attention? Or are we going to tune them out like Charlie Brown's teacher? Are we going to show up to learn? Or are we going to show up only to turn and talk to our neighbors, look at the carpet, play with stuff in our desks, and fail to really listen to the Teacher? Are we surprised when we don't listen and then are still confused in life and don't know what to do?

As a teacher, I know that my students are SO MUCH MORE SUCCESSFUL when they are completely listening to me. Yes, we can make it through life without really listening to Heavenly Father, just like my students can make it through a day without listening to me. But I know that life goes SO MUCH BETTER if we listen to the instructions Heavenly Father gives to us.

Heavenly Father is up in front of the classroom. He is teaching us what we need to know. He is telling us the questions that will be on the test and what the answers are. Are we listening?

Lesson learned: It never hurts to ask

As a teacher of six year olds, I get to help with so many things besides just "school stuff." On any given day, it is very likely that I will be zipping up zippers, tying shoes, fixing necklaces, putting hair clips back in, sharpening pencils, unclogging glue tops, opening pudding cups, putting on bandaids, turning jackets right-side out, untangling jump ropes, unscrewing water bottle lids, giving friendship advice, settling arguments, explaining the difference between "on purpose" and an accident, providing trash cans mid throw up, putting baby teeth in baggies to be taken home to the tooth fairy, etc.

If I were to only help with math, reading, and science, first grade would cease to be functional. We would most likely survive the day, but it wouldn't be very successful, the classroom would be a disaster, very little would be learned, and pudding cups would go uneaten.

Lucky for us, just as teachers help with a lot more than just the "school stuff," our Heavenly Father isn't just there to help us with the "churchy stuff." He isn't just there for the spiritual decisions, doctrinal questions, and crises of faith. He can help us in all areas of our lives. We just need to ask.

Now, I'm not one to toot my own horn, but if I were to do so, I would say that I am actually pretty good at asking Heavenly Father for help. I have been known to pray and ask for help before a date (especially when it's with a guy that I really like and I don't want to botch it), when I'm lost and late, when I'm hoping someone nice will come sit next to me, when I need my day to go as efficiently and productively as possible because I have a million things on my to-do list, when my self-confidence is lacking, when I have no appetite because I'm stressed out but really need to eat something, when the turbulence on the airplane reminds me of my first (and only) Splash Mountain experience, when I have to put my big girl pants on and defend myself to a student's parent, when I have a student who is pushing all of my buttons and my patience is gone, and when I'm trying to decide what to say to a struggling friend who needs some validation.

Sometimes, it is obvious to me that I received divine help in response to my plea. Other times, it doesn't really feel like there was any difference. But either way, it's easier for me to feel confident in my performance and in the outcomes, whatever they may be, when I know I invited Heavenly Father to help me and then did what I could.

I figure, it never hurts to ask, right? We have been promised, "In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths" (Proverbs 3:6). And we have been counseled, "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not" (Doctrine & Covenants 6:36), as well as, "cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord" (Alma 37:36). Why would we ever want to pass up an opportunity to receive divine assistance?

As with any good thing, prayer can be taken to an extreme when we start asking for help in deciding what earrings to wear, what cereal to buy, and what rug would look best in the living room. This happens with my first graders a lot. Like when they ask me if it's time to go home. At 9:30. I like to call those kinds of questions "oops" questions. However, I am positive that if we ask with a sincere heart for help with something that is important to us, Heavenly Father will listen and will give us the exact help we require at the exact time we need it.

Lesson learned: With help, you can change

I have a kid in my class this year with some pretty major ADHD going on. And when I say "pretty major," I am not exaggerating. He is constantly out of his seat, walking around the classroom, asking me off-topic questions, and distracting the other students. I know he's got extra ants in his pants, but I also have a theory that he's actually capable of more and is just used to getting away with a lot of stuff.

So this past week I began a project I like to call: Do Everything Within My Power To Get Him To Complete an Assignment. I pulled out all the tools I had in my tricky student toolbox—I put a little smiley face chart on his desk so he could see his progress, implemented the "air fist bump" technique, praised like crazy, did a lot of winking, and even got the class involved to help support him. I pretty much did everything I could to help him realize that he really can do more than he thinks he can. 

The change throughout the day was fun to watch. He needed so much support and so many reminders in the morning, but then as the day progressed, he began to catch the vision. He started checking in with me, asking me if he was doing a good job and wanted to make sure I was watching him. Then by the afternoon, instead of asking me if he was doing well, he was reporting to me and saying things like, "Miss Brown, I did it!" "I did everything today!" "I worked so hard!" I was pleasantly surprised by how well the day had gone. He was so successful because he wanted to do it and was willing to work with me.

Oh man. It's days like these that are exhausting but remind me why I love being a teacher. 

Do you have a bad habit in your life that you want to change but feel like it will be too hard to overcome or it's just too much a part of who you are? It might be something smaller, such as negative self-talk, procrastination, or judging others. Or it might be something bigger, such as an addiction or a sin.

Regardless of the size, I can promise you, from personal experience and from watching the experiences of loved ones, habits can be overcome. But I can also promise you, that you cannot do it alone. You need the help of a Teacher who has a really, really big toolbox full of the exact tools you will need in order to change. Because of the Atonement, the Savior knows what it feels like to be trapped in a bad habit; He knows how hard it is to change. However, also because of the Atonement, He can work with you to "make weak things become strong" (Ether 12:27).

The Savior knows that, at first, you will need a great deal of encouragement, support, and a strong understanding of His love for you. It's been my experience that, as soon as you turn to Him and make the first steps towards change, He will give you that support and send tender mercy after tender mercy to help you get going. As the "day" progresses, it's important for you to check in with Him to see how you're doing. The Savior will encourage you and help you see your progress so that you can catch the vision of what you are capable of. Eventually, your "confidence [will] wax strong" (Doctrine & Covenants 121:45) and you will be able to look back and see how far you've come. The key is this: you will be successful if you want to change and are willing to work with the Savior.

Here's the kicker, though. (And I actually wasn't going to tell you this because it kind of kills the moment, but I think it's true to life so I decided to include it.) The kid in my class who had that awesome day... yeah, the next day he was back to his very all-over-the-place self and refused to work with me. I mistakenly had thought that things were going to be good from now on. I thought that since he had had one really good day, for sure the next day would be good, too.

Fortunately for us, the Savior perfectly understands that breaking a habit is a process full of ups and downs and it doesn't usually just happen over the course of a day. He will be patient with us (as we also must be with ourselves) and He will give us the exact amount of support, love, and guidance we need in order to be the person He already knows we can be.

So be brave. Take a step in the right direction. Go to the Lord and make a change. Rely on His strength throughout the process. Be kind to yourself. And trust that you can do anything with His help.